Tipping Over The Douchecanoe: 4 Ways To Help A Friend Through Their F*ckBoi Stage

Wedding Crashers
Wedding Crashers

I have been through a few fuckbois in my day. I never let them get close enough to fully drown me in my emotions, but a few got pretty close. I do, however, have friends that have had it bad. The verbal berating by a fuckboi, the 2 am booty call fuckboi, the fuckboi who doesn’t take you on dates, the fuckboi with a girlfriend who still calls you at 2 am, or the fuckboi who makes you batshit crazy. Whatever the situation, they all seem to have this way of dick-notizing women and it drives friends like me nuts – dick-notizing in this case meaning the complete and utter clouding of judgment, due to being under the influence of a smooth-talking male with a penis.

It is very hard for a friend to see their friend under the influence of a dick, both literally and figuratively, but it happens. As a friend, it’s your duty to help them through it. It won’t be easy, but if you’re there from the start of it, it’ll be worth all the difficulty in the middle to see your friend come out of the other side freed from their dick-nosis.

Here are four helpful strategies to help you help your friend get through this dick-daze in their life:

1. Be patient and listen, even when your ears hurt.

You’re going to spend a lot of time hearing things such as “but he’s different when no one’s around,” “ you don’t know him,” “but I like him,” and “this is just what we do.” As much as you’ll want to yell, scream, and shake your friend, you sadly have to bite your tongue. Whether you have been through it or not, dick-nosis is the real deal. It took me years to understand this but this lines stands true: “You don’t get it, unless you’re in it.” That girl whose boyfriend is a creep because he’s trying to booty call your best friend? She’s in it and so is your friend. Why either of them like this douchelord is beyond me, but if you’re not in it, you won’t understand it. By no means join in as the fourth member of this love triangle from hell, but also, don’t rip apart your friend.

Provide them with advice and logical information to explain why this situation is a disaster and likely won’t turn into anything positive, but don’t forget they’re essentially under a spell: they aren’t thinking straight, they aren’t acting like themselves, and they very well may be keeping some secrets from you. Just remember this isn’t the real them.

2. Help your friend’s confidence by inflating their head.

You may have heard the saying “inflating someone’s ego,” but it holds true when moving through the motions of a dick-notized friend. Women should support each other on an everyday basis as should friends, but in the case of your friend, you need to put in a little extra work. After a while of your friend riding out on this douche canoe, they begin to lose their sparkle. They tend to lose their confidence and question why this fuckboi treats them the way he does. You may hear them say things like “Maybe I’m not pretty enough,” “I shouldn’t have texted him that many times,” “He probably thinks I’m crazy,” “I am crazy,” “If I was more ______ he would be into me.” A fuckboi has the ability to make your friend question who they are as a whole, but it’s your job to remind them of their great qualities and why this douchebag doesn’t deserve them. Maybe your friend is a bit crazy and maybe she shouldn’t have sent that text, but who cares. We all do things, say things, and act differently when we’re around a crush.

When you have the chance, remind them of how beautiful they are inside and out, how much of a positive impact they’ve had on your life and will have on their future partners’ lives, how smart they are, remind them of their dreams and goals, remind them that they’re too big of a catch to be floating on a sinking ship. We all doubt ourselves sometimes, but try to keep your friend afloat by reminding them of the things they forget when under this dick-nosis. No one should feel inadequate because of someone who treats him or her poorly, and a friend like you, who reminds them of how great they are, will mean a lot in the long run.

3. Don’t scold them, even when they (probably) relapse.

This is one of the most frustrating things as a friend. I have been there through plenty of losers my friends got googly-eyed for, but the hardest part is when they say they’re over it and they aren’t. I very much believe you have to act on things for them to be truly real. To say you’re over this ass doesn’t mean much unless you take action – deleting him from Instagram, deleting him from Snapchat, getting rid of his number. Sometimes, to say it’s over is part of the process for your friend to start to believe it. By saying it, they believe it, which they’ll soon take action on, so you need to support them.

It may take one, or ten, time(s) before your friend is ready and will actually end it for good. Try not to get mad at them. As they continue to go back, you’re going to hope it is the last time. Whether it is or it isn’t, it’s not for you to decide. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to yell at them or call them an idiot. Yes, you may think they are being stupid but again, they’re under penis- hypnosis, and it can be hard to wake up from. Be a listening ear, but don’t get too invested or you’ll want to poke a hole in this canoe and let your friend go under.

4. “You do you, but I still love you.”

At this point, you probably have bald spots from stressing out over this as much or more so then your friend. Let me tell you, you’re beyond a great friend and they will realize this when they come out of it. At times, you’ll just want to give up, but there’s a reason you became friends before they met this fuckboi and you will remember it after they drop this guy. I use the motto “You do you” quite a bit in my life. As an adult, you can do what you want and this saying holds very true under a fuckboi situation. Let your friend do them, they are going to do what they want regardless of what you say, so let them. This situation is going to drive you crazy if you let it. From the phone calls, to the texts, the tears, to potentially picking them up while they’re halfway through their walk of shame, you can’t not love them. They’re likely you’re best friend who has held your hair when you were puking or rubbed your back because you too were broken hearted.

As a friend, it is your duty to be there but it’s not your job to fix it for them. They’ll figure it out whether it turns out good or bad. For them to do them you need to let them make mistakes, shed some tears, and at the end of the day, figure out on their own why this fuckboi is a fuckboi. You deleting this guy’s contact information won’t help them and neither will texting this fuckboi’s girlfriend that he’s a cheating asshole. Help your friend as best as you can, but you can’t fix this, only they can and they will. Don’t hesitate to give this fuckboi the eye though, the “I know you’re an asshole, and you know I know so beware fuckboi” stare. Once your friend comes to the realization you had the minute they told you about this turd, you will be there to help pull them out of the water and watch that douchecanoe sink and float away to a garbage dump. And once the fuckboi is gone, it’s time to celebrate for a job well done. TC mark

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