All The Things I Need To Say To The One Who Broke My Heart

I want nothing more than to call you. To talk to you. I need to know how you are doing.

But you held my heart, and you crushed it.

You broke my heart and acted like it never happened. You can’t just call someone who does that to you.

I want to ask you if it was as hard for you to get over me as it was for me to get over you.  I want to know if you felt the twisting knot in your stomach or the piercing knives in your sides like I did. I want to know how lonely you felt when you went out to a movie by yourself because you didn’t have me anymore. Because I went alone, and it was fucking hell for me.

I want to know how long it took for you to forget what it sounded like to hear me saying your name. It took me way too long to forget the sound of your voice.  And I can still feel our last kiss and how much it hurt me when you told me you couldn’t do this anymore, because the distance was just too much for you and the timing just wasn’t right enough and maybe we could try again someday.

And I cried and I tried to forget that it happened at all. I tried convincing myself for so long that I could be loved, and then fate blew you into my life like the hurricane you are, full of chaos and magnificence, and I finally believed that love could be for me too.

And for a beautiful time, love really was mine. But before I knew it, the truth appeared and I found myself trying to swim in my tears – drowning myself in shots as if they might be some magical elixir for the agony I felt.

The funny thing is, I had no idea if I still loved you or not.  But I guess to miss someone as much as I missed you, love had to be there.  To miss someone like that…it’s an absolute hell only a real love can send you.