Read This If You’re Tempted To Mourn Your Last Love

hardi_wb
hardi_wb

You know it was love! It had to be! Something so good, so brilliant and simple in its pure form cannot be anything but love right? Wait a minute! Where did these glasses come from? Take them off and poof! Suddenly everything seems transformed from Zootopia to Fury Road!

Love is not a myth! What a load of crap man! I’m in it and I swear it’s awesome. You should try it! I’ve been here a couple of times already.

Love is just a word dude. It’s definitely a load of horseshit to me. Like come on… Seriously!

Love is… You’ll know when you find it!

To each their own. We’ve all been there done that; struck by Cupid’s arrow time and again, from that PS controller to that perfectly cut gem bracelet. Wait a minute! Where are all the people here right? Love is unexplainable except in the confines of the dictionary. Yet when we are materialistically attracted and go all “I love this new stuff!” we don’t understand that it’s the same phenomenon but in a larger and grander scale with a person attached fully loaded with thought, words, actions and their own idiosyncrasies.

Everyone wants to be wanted, to be admired and given a meaning. Though in our present state, the fact that we externalize such deep sentiments to abstract objects which might give up on you when they break down, soon to be replaced by a replica or a software upgrade is a comfort. Expecting the same in your relationship, now that’s a no no! Falling in love is easy; staying there can get on your nerves, staying together in love, now that’s a challenge!

Everything was perfect, everything was great. I don’t know what went wrong!

It wasn’t that one day alone love. I know it’s easier to accept that a meteor struck your perfect candy land with a well-kept garden and everything crumbled, than believe that the paint was faded, your walls were hollowed by termites and your leaky plumbing was the reason your carpet was always soggy. It could also have been those tears you silently shed while reasoning out why it was all ok, although you hurt like crazy while coming to acceptance. It’s bitter to actually look back and see all the times your heart was broken, the times the mirror barely recognized your puffy face in the morning. It’s the truth though that there were flaws which you overlooked and adjusted to because you were so madly in love. That’s why they call it the bitter truth. We tend to work past what we cannot change but refuse to live without because that’s how much we value what we have. Then why does it hurt? Balance of life; you climb, you fall, it’s up to you to climb again should you wish it. That’s what defines you. Sounds too blunt right? I know you must’ve tried climbing time and again. Ever wondered if your partner didn’t want you to climb at all after a while?

We had so much in common, we practically were each other!

In today’s world of fast paced transactions and global warming being cast down as a conspiracy theory, finding someone with similar tastes is like winning a jackpot in the annual draw. Trouble is we are so overwhelmed and partly drunk that we don’t realize the girl with that look in her eye or the guy with that killer smile, who read the same books, shops for the same stuff and likes you in a way bit farther than just friendship may not be the entire utopian package you’ve dreamed of all your life. Yes you guys love those quiet walks down the beach, dancing at that raunchy bar, petting dogs or describing constellations in ogre tongue. That feeling of finally having found your match, that perfect partner, fantastic on and off the bed, who is instantly liked by all your friends, may just have a side you are unaware of. I don’t mean a secret sect of supermarket burglars, just a side that lies in stark contrast to you. If you’re the patient, understanding and thoughtful kind, who is instantly liked for being patient, understanding and thoughtful, you may one day be suddenly up against your perfect partner berating you for being slow, too empathetic and complicated. Yup! And that hurts like a bitch right? Maybe you deserved it, maybe you didn’t. Love isn’t blind. It’s very transparent; it is we who end up turning a blind eye. We live in acceptance of faults that are quite obvious to a third uninvolved person because honestly they aren’t faults at all. Those are traits that define them. That’s the secret to a long relationship. Adjustment and compromise, but not to a point where your identity goes hazy and you’re pulling your hair out in bunches. It’s just unnerving when those traits are turned against you right? Were you being too truthful like you should in a healthy relationship but were caught off guard at sudden defensiveness and complete aggression in a violently verbal outrage that was completely misplaced and uncalled for? Reality sucks. And it scars. Nope you shouldn’t question when your partner suddenly calls a friend who’s about to sleep with some random person and bothered dropping a text. It’s a normal phenomenon on Tirzop. You’re just being a child and weirdly paranoid. They just go drinking once in a while or have long conversations while you accept that they’re just friends. (TIRZOP = a distant planet somewhere, Thought Inverted Random Zone Of Puzzlement) If it really matters as much, a comforting word or reassurance that it’s nothing is the way it usually works here on Earth.

Your hands are bleeding, your bones are shattered, and your soul is dead. But you still hold on!

Come on; let me buy you a drink! (Secretly drive you to the asylum). 
Dude wake up! They’re not filming a documentary on you to showcase martyrdom! You either understand that it’s not a relationship and accept the fact that you were blinded to begin with; you were so drawn to that little incandescent ball of love, that you didn’t see the electric mesh till you got zapped. No amount of poetry, flowers, night outs, fighting friends or family, resetting priorities and schedules to end up in shit can be called love. It might just have to be Lo or just the L from love. Not all the way! The faster you realize that fact, the faster you rise up. Don’t drink away to nothingness, post embarrassing private details on social media or have a fling with your best friend. Don’t listen to heartbreaking songs and cry yourself away, because that will have you falling into a cycle. You believed it was love, you believed it so strongly that you convinced your partner of it; you convinced the world as well. And amidst all that confusion, it was tagged as love. You saw from one side of the glass while the other showed a distorted image. That’s why they left saying “It’s not you, it’s me!” It’ll hurt till you go numb listening to that old one liner from the book of breakups.

You wake up to a reality you masked with the presence of the love you shared. Was it love at all?

So what do you do now? You’re all alone and your place looks like it’s been ransacked and you feel like a dump yard. Whose fault is that? Who was the one who hurt? Who fell out of love? Who gave up? Who broke your heart?

Don’t go down that lane. That’s the best way to get stuck in a hopeless loop. Instead remember the first day you guys met. Remember the happy memories. Remember how it felt the first time you kissed. Remember your first movie. If they left, the first and most important thing to do is obviously to try and get them back. But for how long? How many times do you try before finally realizing that the part where they leave just keeps on repeating? That depends on your ability to look past the surface and see things for the way they are, and gather some help from randomly written articles like this.

The night after you’re heart broken and cried yourself away, the next step is reaching acceptance. Do not try and reason out where the fault lies, do not try figuring out what you did wrong, unless you slept with your best friend or robbed your partners house. Before love came to be you guys were friends. If it was just the sex then well you shouldn’t be reading this. Remember the friends that you were and try saving that. No don’t give up, don’t ever do that. If you shared a million things together then it’s hard even for the one who left to go on with life like everything’s alright; unless they found your friend to replace you. The parties and distractions last a week or two and then they’ll miss your voice, your gestures and your company. Keep the friendship alive, but don’t offer yourself at their feet and put your self-esteem down. Don’t play blame games. Don’t be bitter and resentful. If what you shared was worth all the hurdles you crossed together then don’t let go. Be the hand that pulls them out of the water. Eventually you will come to realize that the love you knew may not exist in that moment, but you still have some bond, a friend who stood by you when everyone let you down, who went out of the way to make sure you had that perfect set of cuff links or earrings to match, who dedicated your favourite song each time without fail. Give yourself some time and let them have theirs. If what you shared was worth it, if you felt it was a life altering piece of the elaborate puzzle that’s you; then don’t let go. Let some good remain.

If it works out and you stay friends then it will kill you the day you know that they’re out on a date. But hey look at the bright side! You don’t wake up to a sudden flurry of FB pictures that send you on a rampage. Time heals everything. And eventually you might find that old flame being rekindled. Don’t push and hope for it night and day foregoing your own life. You still have your best friend. And if that best friend sees you like the first day you met then your path is set. If not then you know that sometimes in life, people come in to teach us lessons and show us a perspective we never knew before. Hold on to the good, because it matters to you. Do not delve into that cauldron of hate and think of how best you can get back at them. Don’t lose out on something you can still save, if you feel its worth.

“Let go of that which you love the most, if it comes back, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it never was.”

Love is not always a bed of roses. That’s just in fairy tales and imagination. Everyday life holds so many stressors which we experience on a daily basis. When you meet that awesome one of a kind person who sweeps you off your feet and takes you on all those joy rides and paints your portraits on sand and canvas, do know that they face the same stress as you, perhaps on a different scale. When in love, everyone puts their best foot forward and after a while when personal goals and ambitions, obligations and unseen circumstances hurl themselves, you find that the image of perfection portrayed was just an image. Within they too are struck by all the afflictions that ail you. Does that mean they were putting up a show just to get to you? Well if it was a one night stand which led to another hormonal encounter then yes, don’t be blind. If they stood by you through the good and the bad, through your triumphs and your downfalls, time and again tried to reciprocate your gestures then, yes that was true love. The image they showed was a portrayal of all the good held within. They showed you a life they wished for you and with you. Take away the financial stress and suddenly you’ll see the same person you first met. Fortunately poetry portrays love as eternal and it’s not wrong. But blindly believing in an abstract rhyme to the point of losing touch with reality is a sure way to fall apart. That’s what often happens. We get so used to that image of perfection which we kindle and let grow, never realizing that all days are not the same. Quite often our expectations play spoil sport, expecting when the other tries their best to meet somewhere midway. So how much can one expect? That line is an individual dependent line drawn by you and your relationship. The dynamics you share will dictate what is real and what is just your hopeful imagination.

Yeah you’re probably wondering why one should think of all this when in a relationship. It’s supposed to be easy, effortless, second nature. There shouldn’t be so much happening backstage. Well that’s the difference between dating in high school and having a fling to being in a mature relationship. If the two of you are working toward common goals, if you have similar outlooks, then all the thinking, the what if’s, drawing a line, happens subconsciously. It starts off with active participation and then becomes a part of everyday life. Love is easy in the right place and time. Then it can get tough in the immediate next place and time. To let go or not is an individual choice which shouldn’t come easy if the relationship was real and not just a rehearsed act. Staying friends even after a healthy breakup can be awkward if the two of you have unspoken baggage. What has to be will eventually be. If not then you enter college and find that the world definitely has a lot more to offer than you expected.

In the book of love, when everything is dreamy and steamy, we live in the moment. And when the initial heady intoxicating aroma settles and you realize that the two of you aren’t on the same page at all, do not expect the one on page 1 to reach the final chapter. That’s just outrageous. Rome wasn’t built in one day. Give it time and you, the one on the final chapter, restart from page 1. Don’t run and force your other to be where you are instead tone it down. Let it flow.

The bottom line is this. Yes we should mourn. Because the loss of a loved one is no joke we mourn. We remember and then we make the best with what we’ve got without making the mourning our permanent identity. And in that middle chapter from the book of love, you’ll find your acceptance.

Let go if you must or were badly cheated on. But constantly rebuking and remembering the hurt will only scar you deeper, more permanently which may not go away even if you find true love thereafter.

Everything is so much easier said than done. I get it. I’ve already enrolled myself into the secret cult of supermarket burglars. The trials are next week and I’m lagging in my lock picking skills. TC mark

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