Let me qualify this list by telling you, I don’t mind watching football. In fact I was captain of the cheerleading squad in middle school. I’m not judgmental. If the game makes you happy, then I am happy for you. However, its been going on for 48 years now, with no real progressive changes, I’m suggesting these amendments to make things a little more interesting.
- Replace the football with a tiny infant baby. The passing game would be a game of life or death, intense, and the players’ skill would have more meaning. More value. The game would become so much more important. For a real show of strength, brute force, danger, bloody messes, and Hail Mary’s arrange for a live birth at halftime, then put the newborn in for the second half passing game. Convert one of those corporate skyboxes into a nursery, have medical team ready and have enough ladies in labor to time a birth as soon as the first half ends . Interview the midwife. I mean, if there was a live birth planned for halftime, wouldn’t you tune in?
- Screen in screen a live video feed from pop-up sex trafficking in hotels built to serve the needs of the tens of thousands of men in town for the big show. Have commentators give blow-by-blow account of the paid-for sex play. Rotate the porn feed with an aerial Meadowlands webcam in search of dead bodies floating in the marshes. OK, that last part might be too weird.
- I can’t help but wonder about the man package under all that uniform padding and think, the game would be so much more fascinating if the crotch area was made of clear plastic; window into the netherworld of jocks and straps, like a stripper thong, but with more hair. Clearly the game is built upon a foundation of cock bravado, lets see the goods, they getting paid!
- Run the commentators vocals though several special effects channels such as delay, auto-tune, distortion, tape echo. Have the signals run to an application on your phone that lets you mix your own Super Bowl dance party! It’s more fun than just yelling at the television. Interactivity makes things more interesting, right?
- Similar to the dribbling rule in basketball, require all players to run with the football between their legs, above the knees. Laugh at them trying to run like that while trying to deliver the ball up the field.
- Put Viagra in the orange coolers of Gator-Aid and watch how the game plays out with a team boner, especially if they are wearing the aforementioned transparent pants.
- Switch the salary of the cheerleaders with the football players, then see who gets pumped up. Would a football player even show up for $2,000? Add three more zeros and you still don’t get close to their partners on the field. I’d be interested to see what a $5 million dollar performance from cheerleader would look like.
- After the game, the quarterback of the winning team sacrifices his life to show the world he has reached its pinnacle, and after such an achievement he relinquishes his place on earth and becomes one with the gods.
- Distribute a black phallic obelisk to the audience and players so every camera frame, instagram and cell phone video has the object in it, somewhere, like the obelisk from cover the Led Zeppelin Presence cover. I say this mainly because its fun to say obelisk aloud.