An Open Letter To The Boy Whe Broke Me

I still remember the first time I saw you, but not as just a new person; I remember the first time I saw you as more than just a ‘someone’. I was overflowing with curiosity, wanting to know more about you, and, if I was given the opportunity, then to become friends with you. My eyes couldn’t help but stare at the warm, welcoming smile that rested on your cute face. At that time, little did I know things would change drastically.
I never thought I’d get to know you, never thought I’d be your friend. But I took a leap of faith and made the first move, which you accepted and then continued to strike up a conversation.

You were so nice to me, so warm, and I felt like this friendship was genuine. I knew you were a socialite, but this felt different. Before I knew it, my heart fluttered a little when I saw you, but assuming you wanted nothing more than a friendship, I let it go. I never got the chance to tell you when I should have, I left it too late, and turned away my feelings with no hesitation, because I enjoyed your company and the friendship that was there. Although I wanted to get closer to you, for some reason I felt I should keep you at a slight distance.

That was until it happened, the day you made your move. I was overjoyed, walking on cloud nine and couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Thinking you shared the same feelings was so unexpected but I knew it was what I wanted. I didn’t hesitate at all as we embraced, the only nervousness coming from feeling flustered by your confidence. You treated me well, treated me so kindly; I felt so lucky. I never thought someone would like me again, so this helped restore a little faith.

Then it all shattered.

You told me it wasn’t anything serious. You told me there were no feelings, and that you could see I was into you. You knew I wouldn’t say no, and led me on with the kindness, affection, flirting. The kisses, the hugs – there was no sincerity behind them. I tried to put it behind me. I told myself it was a lesson learnt, though I knew deep inside I still liked you a little, but that I could control it.

But you continued to confuse me. You complimented my appearance at a moment where it shouldn’t have been me who received the compliment. You constantly exchanged looks with me, your gaze full of curiosity and lust. My heart fell for it again. Joy ran through me when I told you I would go through it all with you again, because I thought maybe you had come around. Maybe casually sleeping with you could turn into something else. Maybe you actually wanted to be with me but were holding back, afraid to get hurt again. It didn’t help that you took it all so positively and seemed eager.

Then you decided to completely tear me apart, tell me and call me things despite knowing how much it would hurt me. You said I was emotionally unstable, that this friendship wouldn’t work. You were stubborn, ignorant and had no idea how much I cared about you. When I told you this, your patronising response made me feel stupid, and think my emotions weren’t justified. When I tried to talk it out with you, you pushed me away, blaming me. You broke me more than you know, because I thought you cared about me too. But now I’m wondering if you ever did.

I feel silly and naive for ending up liking you a little because I thought you were genuine with me, and the interest was more than just fake. You confused me and broke me multiple times, but I cared so much for you that I always ran back, and took the blame. Yes I have made this mistake a few times, but this is the last; my heart will never be played again, and I will never care for you again.

This is the part where one would normally write about karma and how I ‘hope you get what you deserve, for what you did to me’. But no. Instead, I wish you the very best in life. I hope you stay grateful for anything anyone has ever done/will do for you, even if you are just using them for your own satisfaction, because they will never do that for you again. I know I won’t.
Thank you, for making me realizing how full of pretense some people in this world can be.