Sometimes you end up thinking about your childhood a lot. When you would giggle and bake cookies with mum. When you would gasp in awe at the twinkling stars at night. When you believed that your living room was a floor of lava that you had to pass by jumping on sofas and chairs. When you chased after anything that you found beautiful, be it a butterfly or a flower. When you walked like every moment was an adventure to be experienced.
You miss it.
Somewhere along the way, you faced pain and lost pieces of yourself that you once prized. You lost that spark.
Right now, I know you are wondering if you’ll ever make it and be that girl again. The girl who would skip while walking simply because it was a beautiful day. The girl who would giggle whenever the snow would fall on her nose. The girl who would dance in the rain.
Now, I can easily say that the pain will fade away with time and so give it time. But the truth is that you make the pain fade, not time. One day, sick of the suffering, you decide that you don’t want to be the victim of pain anymore. You want to be a survivor. I know it is hard to go through life and remain as carefree as you were as a child, but let me let you in on a little secret: your pain is your strength. You just have to learn to see it. Let me show you how.
Even though the pain took pieces of your soul, it also gave pieces to your soul. It took from you because it made you realize that life could be bad, lonely. It made you realize that you could cry till you can’t breathe. It made you realize that you could snap and fall so low that you find it hard to believe that you could ever come up again. It made you realize that you could distance yourself so bad that you shut everyone out. It made you feel broken. You didn’t know you could be Iike that. You didn’t know yourself completely. You didn’t know.
But, sweet girl, you also didn’t know that you could rise back up again from the heart wrenching pain. You didn’t know that you could find peace in your own company. You didn’t know that you could also cry happy tears. You always thought those were fake. Now, you’re one of those people who can do it too. You didn’t know that you could break down and still be okay. You didn’t know that you could make your own mistakes and be happy with it. You didn’t know that you could walk alone in a new city and one day breathe in its air and revel in its newness. You didn’t know that you could like change and smile at its possibility. You didn’t know that you could be alone and yet not alone. You didn’t know that you could be strong.
Now you know.
So, the pain gave you knowledge, the awareness of the vastness of your heart and soul. Of your strength. It doesn’t matter how much pain you went through. All that matters is that you acknowledge it, forgive yourself, and have hope. Acknowledge that you were hurt. Forgive yourself for everything you were taught you should be mad at yourself for – not being “strong” or “brave” enough to face the pain at the time. Let it sink in. Finally, have hope and believe that you’ll be okay.
Trust me, you will.
Healing is a beautiful process and you have already taken the first step. You want back the spark in your eyes that you lost. The beauty is that the pain will always remind you of your strength if you choose to let it. It will remind you that one day you stopped crying. One day, you let out a little giggle. One day, you hummed a song while grocery shopping. Small steps that you took that made you heal. So, choose to remember pain like that. You can’t change the experience of pain that you felt but you can change how you choose to remember it. You were never broken, you just had to see the other pieces that the pain gave your soul, your wholeness.
So, tonight, go outside and stand under the stars. See the sizes, brightness, shapes. See the trees merging with the sky. Trace the constellations. You’ll notice a small twinkle in your eyes. Because tonight, you’ll finally see the wholeness of the Earth that the stars have been showing you since you were young. It was always there. It was always whole.
You just had to see it.