It’s been eleven months since everything between us ended. Eight months since you told me you love me, and eight months since we parted ways.
Eleven months since you told me that you’d stop, and that I let myself rest. Eleven months have passed and I want you to know that I still miss you. I still talk to God about you.
Oftentimes when I’m on my way to work, a random memory of you singing would pop in my mind and I would just tell God about how much I miss hearing your voice, and I’d ask Him to keep watch over you. Other times, when I’m in my room in the dead of night, I’d pour my heart out to God, and cry all my hurt, and pain, and anger, and I’d pray for your happiness.
I want to ask how you’ve been. Have you watched the movies I asked you to watch? How’s work? How’s your plan for your business coming? Have you been drinking enough water? How’s your song writing? I miss those.
I hope you’d get promoted, you were great at work, but you don’t really like much responsibility there, and I could almost hear you complaining about things you’d have to do. But you’d do them anyway, cause that’s how you are.
There are so many things that I want to talk to you about.
The music that I’ve been listening to, the people I’ve met, the waiting when I was applying for the work I’m in now, the places I’ve gone, how I finally get to say I love you to my parents, the indie movies and plays, ballet, and musical that I watched.
I want to tell you that I don’t get late that much anymore at work, that I care more now for my friends, that I’m spending more time with my family, that I’m getting closer to God. Remember that day when I told you that I had issues with God? I’m getting to know Him more and I am overwhelmed with His love, and I can no longer imagine myself without Him in my life.
I’ve been jumping from one relationship to another, seeking for love—a fairy tale kind of love, something to fight and die for, something that would transform from the inside out. Because I’m hopeless romantic like that. But each relationship failed, I felt disappointed and empty, then I met you. I thought maybe label-free was my thing, so I went with your flow. And then we ended. I was lost in the sea, drowned by the waves, and I realized even more how much I didn’t know about myself.
Who would love me? Who would love someone who doesn’t even know herself? I was a wreck.
Then in my brokenness, God met me with His acceptance, grace, and love. Love found me at my worst, not when I was trying my best to be likeable, and not when I was selling myself to be loved. I have done nothing but run away from Him for such a long time, but when I had nothing else to cling to, when I had no one, He held my hand and took me back. All this time, He’s been waiting for me.
I was so shattered but He held me and my broken pieces together.
Love found me and made me whole again, and I know for sure that this one won’t ever fail, this one is for keeps, this one is The One everyone has been searching for. My Forever. For He said in Jeremiah 31:3, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
God’s love is like the glue that patched the fibers that unraveled when I gave myself away too early, too fast. And I hold on to His promise when He said in Isaiah 54:10, “Though the mountains be shaken, and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed.”
I finally found my identity with Christ.
And so, to you, the first and last girl that I would ever fall in love with, thank you. Thank you for inspiring me, thank you for all the memories, both good and bad, thank you for teaching me to guard my heart, thank you for taking care of me in the short span of time that we’ve been together, thank you for those late night conversations, thank you for the comfort, thank you for the love, and thank you for being a part of my life. I thank God for you everyday.
I have always kept those letters I wrote for you and this would be the last of them. One day, maybe I’d be able to let those letters go too. Maybe I’d bury them in the sand, or put them in the bottle and throw them in the sea. I’d probably be walking by that beach where we were. Or maybe not.
I still love you, believe it or not, I do, but I know that I can never love you right.
For mine, is not different from other people’s love. Self-seeking, selfish, and jealous. I will choose to love you the best way I can, and that is to ask God to love you for me.
To the first and last girl that I would ever fall in love with, I will miss you forever. Let’s trust in God’s beautiful plan, whatever His will is. He makes beautiful things out of every pain and hurt, and He has with me, and I believe that He will continue to do so.
Till we meet again.