I’m trying to help you travel here.
You DO want to travel more, right?
What if I told you, those dreams about basking on the exotic beaches you see on TV, the thoughts of sipping on a coconut while meandering through a chaotic market, and the reoccurring dream of meeting the love of your life at a local pizza shop in Italy can actually come true? Would you call me crazy? If so, you’re not ready, stop reading now. Bye! The rest who are intrigued and are seriously running a high wanderlust fever that only a jaunt across the world can cure, listen up.
It’s actually super simple, because all you need to be is a simple bitch, bitch! Here’s how…
1. Stop caring what people think
Seriously, are you spending your time thinking about what others think of you? Do you really have nothing else better to do with your life than sit here and think, “Jeez, I really hope the other girls in the group approve of this stripy top with floral print skirt combo.” Bitch, please. Who cares, you rock it, you own it, you do you. This isn’t the Mean Girls sequel (although I know we’d all die to see it…Is this happening yet? Hello? Lindsay? Get on it!)
So on that same thought, simply stop caring if people will think you are crazy for wanting to jet off and travel. Especially if it’s alone! If you want to do it, you need to go for it. It’s simple.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re going to end up like Claire Danes in a Thai prison (I’m mean, unless you’re actually smuggling drugs that is).
The world is a magnificent place to explore, so don’t let the secretly jealous, but openly negative people tell you otherwise.
2. Put it down
What are you doing? Why are you thinking about buying a $300 purse? Why are you paying to get your nails done on the reg?
What.Are.You.Thinking? Unless your name is Sean “Diddy” Combs or Rihanna, you better put that down, bitch.
Stop thinking you’re a baller. You’re not. You’re a regular person with regular money. So start acting like it.
If you actually want to travel, you’re going to have to cut back big time. Save your money. You know that episode of Hoarders where the lady keeps everything, even her trash? Yeah, that’s going to be you but with your money. What more do you really need besides a roof over your head and food in your mouth? Nothing! No, you don’t need to buy the hottest new makeup collection from what’s her face or “need” to get that pricey shampoo made from some exotic flower bathed in fucking unicorn piss. Put it down, bitch.
3. That’s the cost of a flight!
Everything you look at will need to become travel related. Want to go to a pricy restaurant? That’s the equivalent of a week’s worth of food in Thailand. Want to get your hair done? I don’t think so. That’s a night or two at a beach bungalow in Bali. Get simple, bitch.
Are you getting the hint yet? If you want to travel, you need to cut down on everything and spend your money on travel related things.
Got weekend plans of wearing your new Miu Miu’s that you’re going to cover in spilled vodka and then Uber to your crush’s house on the other side of the city? No, no! That’s equal to a round trip flight to somewhere in this world, I don’t think so, bitch. Put down the drink, stumble out of the club now, and return those hideously overpriced heels. STAT! Also, make him come to you. Duh!
4. Grow some balls
OK, this is the biggest one. We’ve been talking a lot about money, and hopefully I’ve got in your head enough to make you realize you can live off a lot less than you think. Like, a lot less.
Now, it’s time to take your simple bitch self out of this country.
Whatever country you’re in, get out. Buy that plane ticket and go. Don’t be all talk. You’ve told everyone this is what you wanted. You’ve been working hard to save for it. Now you actually need to do it.
This is why you’re driving around in a hoopty and your roots are grown out three inches.
Did you get it?
A simple bitch who wants to travel = A carefree person who doesn’t care what others think about their alternative life choices and who is smart with their money so they can jet off around the world and see what actually matters out there…Ya know, beyond the latest color of lipstick and getting shitfaced 24/7.
Hopefully this dose of reality has hit you and you realize that taking a jaunt across the world isn’t for the rich, it can be for anyone. You just have to live a simple life in order to attain it. And just to be clear, I don’t actually think you’re a bitch, unless you don’t go…