I’m sorry I can’t trust you. Not anymore. Not the way I used to.
I want to trust you, I really do. I want us to go back to how things were before – when I could believe everything you say and accept it as truth. When you could tell me you are at some place and I’d believe you, without questioning if you’re really there. When we could say goodnight and I wouldn’t have to wonder if there’s someone else you’re going to call or text. When seeing you were online on WhatsApp at 1am didn’t make alarms go off in my head. When you used to say “I love you” and I didn’t ask myself, “Do you really?” When we could cuddle together and I wouldn’t wonder if you’d rather be in someone else’s arms. When you could tell me you’re going out with your friends and my heart wouldn’t stop beating ‘til you get back home.
The dark days of our relationship have long been over for you, you say. But it still haunts me; the pain still lingers in my heart, like a bottomless pit full of monsters, just lurking, ready to claw at my already wounded heart, tearing it into shreds again at the slightest trigger – an image or a thought that flashes through my mind. Unexpectedly. Unprovoked. Almost every day.
And I am tired. Tired of doubting you. Tired of the constant urge to check your phone, but feeling too guilty to. Tired of trying to silence the voice within me that tells me I wasn’t enough. Tired of finding inconsistencies in the things you say, even when there are none. Tired of seeing ‘something’ in everything — of putting meaning into the slightest change in your routine or affection. Tired of all the questions, the never-ending questions that seem to play non-stop in my head. Tired of the fear and panic that envelope me when I realize that you’ve managed to break down the walls I built around myself so you can’t hurt me again. Tired of looking at you with cautious eyes, trying to catch the slightest hint of yet another lie. I’m tired of being this version of myself.
So yeah. I want to trust you again. More for my sake than yours.
I wish it’s as easy as simply wanting something. But it’s not. It’s forcing yourself to believe something when there is nothing to believe in anymore but our love. It’s convincing the mind that the heart is not hurting when actually, it’s broken. It’s putting the pieces of your shattered heart into the hands of the very person who broke it. And it takes a tremendous amount of faith and courage I’m not sure I have.
But I’m trying. I really am. With every ounce of my being, I am. I know you are too. And I thank you for being patient amid all the questions, all the doubts, all the moments of pained silence while my mind and my heart battle within me. It must hurt for you too, to be doubted again and again, and to have to prove yourself worthy of trust all over again. Thank you for holding my hand, for patiently answering all my questions, for over-communicating your plans and assuring me of the steadfastness of your love.
I wish you didn’t lie. I wish you didn’t text her. I wish all we have to do is press the undo button and everything would be okay. But as we learned the hard way, what’s been done cannot be undone.
But here we are – you and me. Holding on tightly to each other and to our love as we try to inch our way out of the dark. Because at this point, that’s really all I can hold on to – not your words, not your promises – they don’t mean much to me right now. Just you and the love I have for you.
And I hope that’s enough to get us through.