5 Reasons Condoms Suck

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Shutterstock

For decades, people have been instructed by experts to practice safe sex, but just like with getting high, getting wasted or eating too much crap, they were preaching advice they would not follow themselves. While condoms have their use, it’s important to mention they’re necessary in the same sense that going to the dentist or having prostate exams are. Here’s why they suck.

1. They’re not modern



Much of today’s action is not done from secure relationships anymore, so sex with a woman is not straight forward and asking for consent is far from sexy and practical:

Guy: “I want to penetrate you repeatedly, call a taxi and not call you back the next morning, do you consent to it?”

Girl: “Yes, I want it”

Therefore, a lot of situations are just not suited for condoms. Often, the girl fundamentally does not like you, she just wants to ride a dirty pole and it doesn’t matter whose. It will be unexpected and unplanned, happening in the bushes in the park at 3 am or in the lake when lifeguards are busy looking away. In that uncertain, sexually tensioned context where the woman is always one tiny mistake away from leaving, there’s not much time to waste and maximizing the experience is your goal, because you’re not planning to see her again. Interrupting that moment to go for a refill would simply deflate your baby-maker and dry up hers, forcing you to start the irrigation process all over again.

2. They’re a turn off for women


Girls like sex but they don’t like to directly allude to it or be told about it. The dirtiest club hoe who’s done the naughtiest sexual acts imaginable will still dislike being told “let’s go do some in out in out” even if you conquered her and that’s exactly what she planned to do. Seeing a condom at the wrong time is a reminder that you’re about to enter her vagina without calling her the next morning, bringing back countless memories of pain and suffering that you will have to annoyingly weasel your way through.

3. They’re a turn off for men

There’s something special about the inner walls of a woman’s love making doughnut, and nothing else in the world can reproduce that feeling. A penis entering in contact with the lips of a vagina is like a sensual, passionate kiss that has to not be tempered with. Since you ladies don’t have a cock and can’t understand, picture this: you have a fine soirée with a tall rich handsome man, the mood is right, the romance is tight, and you’ve been pulling out your cutest eyes to lure him into you. He leans forwards, grab your waist, tilt his head to the right and approach his lips slowly to yours like two magnets unable to resist each other. Then when he’s just one inch away from your face, he interrupts the moment to say: “Let me put this plastic bag over your mouth so we don’t catch diseases”. Then you start making out passionately.

4. They’re not reliable

Scientists have neglected a very important flaw in condoms: the tooth fairy can poke holes in them. Next thing you know, the girl you’ve been having escapades with who had absolute hatred for children will magically think they’re the cutest creatures in the world. She used to call you a good for nothing, broken bad boy, but now you would suddenly make a terrific caring father.

It’s ok though, you can always go buy a Plan B at the drugstore, dragging your girl by the arm to make sure she takes it. If the clerk tells you they ran out of stock, they’re lying. They just want to check that you really need them right now and are not buying them for future use. Therefore, insist and they will go “check if they have some reserve left in the back store”.

5. Sex is not that dangerous in North America

Despite what the paranoid, manipulated media wants you to believe, HIV prevalence in heterosexual couples is very low in North America. Making it bigger than reality is just another scare tactic from people who don’t get laid to annoy those who do. Safe sex education is a disconnected, bench warming ideology fabricated by those whose life resolve around being bored. Only in sex education classes do they use dental dams to give blowjobs. Even with all their futile propaganda, pulling out and painting the woman’s face with your juice or using the backdoor remain the most popular contraceptive methods around the world. TC mark

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