Today, eleven years on the question I ask myself is would you still trade everything you have right now in return for one short hour with your mother today? And the answer is of course I would. I may even still trade for ten minutes. It’s funny how the mind works. I give myself these scenarios as if a transaction like that would ever be possible. Yet in my mind I barely think twice before I give up everything I’ve worked for and everyone I’ve ever known for an hour that will never happen. It’ s a twisted way that the mind rationalizes such an intense loss of love. All or nothing transactions as a way of reminding me of the void that is yet to be filled and the love that is always missing. I do this instead of saying those three words of I miss her. Those words that will never fail to bring tears to my eyes before the last word has even left my mouth. It’s funny, the power of a mother’s love.
There are men that are going to promise you forever, you’re their dream woman, beautiful, strong and independent. Forever. They lovingly whisper, Forever. But their forevers are only until you start dreaming too much, talking too loud, and feeling too strongly.
And even then, when they have broken you, you are going to reach inside yourself to find the qualities they are looking for. Maybe you will learn to laugh a little quieter and dream a little less. And so, who is there to love you endlessly regardless of your flaws and your ever-evolving soul?
To who do I turn when my heart is broken by the conditional love of a man, and to who do I turn when I am minutes away from walking down the aisle towards the love of my life? Such a stark contrast however this is the bitter-sweet irony of a motherless daughter. What society tells me should be the best times of my life will always fill my eyes with tears of both joy and sadness alike. Only a motherless daughter can understand.
The somewhat endless mother’s days, birthdays and family reunions never complete when you look around the room. Walking across the stage at graduation looking out towards the crowd, hoping that death changed its mind and she will be there.
Physically there is no greater sadness, but in my heart I know I am never alone. I have a mother that can come with everywhere, even though I cannot see her physically, I can feel her in everything I do.
That’s the strength of such a love, it transcends all physical boundaries and doesn’t simply dwindle in death, it’s a connection and an energy that will surround the motherless daughter in times of heartache, sadness and happiness. I hope for the day when I ponder on whether I would still trade it all and I answer no, no I wouldn’t trade. Because that will mean that I am finally fulfilled beyond contemplations and loved beyond conditions, most importantly it would mean that I am happy without my mother, which in my mind that moment will feel like the heart being ripped out of the chest yet it lies on the floor intact, all the scars perfectly sealed and the broken pieces healed beyond perfection as if the heart had been reborn. And in that moment, I’ll be ready to look towards the future, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of her own destruction.
The bitter-sweet irony of a motherless daughter; You are unexplored, unusual and your soul is frighteningly beautiful.