Mother’s Day – a day when we all show mom just how much we truly appreciate her and all of the amazing things she has done for us throughout our lives.
It is on this day that I reflect back to times when my mom was actually there for me. She drove me to school, took me to get my first tattoo, brought me to dance class, watched baseball games with me, and gave me advice about boys. I am forever grateful for these moments, but sadly, my mom is nonexistent in my life today – and this is the path she has chosen for herself, choosing to leave behind three daughters.
The definition of motherless: (adj.) having no mother because she is dead or absent from the home.
For some, their mother may have sadly passed away. A traumatic experience in which I cannot even imagine the pain brought on by the loss. For people like me, my mom is a ghost – still here on this earth, but yet, insubstantial and intangible. However life may have led to a motherless outcome, we are the ones who are left without her on mother’s day.
All we have left are memories.
Without a mother in our lives anymore, we cling to the memories – the good, the bad, the heart-breaking ones. The memories are simply all we have left of her, and they take us back to a time when she was still present. This is time we will never be able to get back, so we fight like hell to hold on.
We feel angry and sad at the same time.
We are angry that she is gone, but even sadder that she won’t be around for the important things happening in life. The moments you’ll never forget, the life-changing decisions you may face, she will neither be there nor be able to offer you advice or support.
Regardless of why, not having your mom around at the times when you need her most can feel like a gaping hole in your heart that will never be able to heal properly.
We envy those who do have a caring mother.
Mother’s Day sucks in general for people like us, but if we dare go on social media that day, we are only opening up the flood gates. We see all of the adorable photos and thoughtful posts about the moms who are there: “I don’t know what I’d do without you mom. “Thanks for always being there for me.” “My mom is my best friend…” I cannot help but envy my friends who are lucky enough to have that. I try not to, but it just happens. Life is extremely different (and at times difficult) without having a mom to guide you along the journey. It’s something that has always made me different from most of my friends, and it can feel like no one understands the struggle.
We struggle to understand why and how.
She’s gone, and we never fully understand why or how. We can learn to accept it, but our minds and hearts will always have lingering questions.
How could she leave me?
How does she go on not knowing anything about her daughter’s life?
How can a mom just choose to not have her children in her life?
Why do things have to be this way?
These questions will never have clear cut answers. They will weigh on our hearts and sporadically appear in our minds.
There will always be a void.
If you don’t let it consume you, it’ll only make you stronger. No one can replace your mom, although we may try and confide in other mother-figures throughout our lives. And as much as we move on, the void will always remain. As much as we have built our own lives for ourselves, the sad truth is, she isn’t in it.
We accept, move on, and stay strong.
Hold on to those memories, but learn to let her go. Do what’s best for you and live life to the fullest. You’ve come this far without her, and whether that was by choice or by some unforeseen heart-wrenching twist of fate, you have to keep going.
And through it all, if you haven’t already, you will more than likely become an amazing parent yourself one day. So for now, try to accept what you cannot change, move forward, and stay strong.