There are still nights I go to text or call you, only to delete it or hang up, knowing you no longer care.
We’ve been broken up for some time now, and yet, it still hurts when I think of us and how things ended up. I still feel like I’m suffocating when people talk about you or that night that ruined us.
I can’t blame our downfall on one specific event. It was destruction from the start. From the time I first met you almost three years ago, went on our first date, first said yes, I knew it would end this way. Even my friends saw this coming. I didn’t listen to them or to myself. Instead, I put all of my trust and effort into you. I saw a side of you that I believed no one else saw. I found this sweet and hidden boy that I knew was genuine.
I remember the night I realized I loved you. You also brought out a side in me that I had never known. I told you things that I had never spoken aloud and still haven’t. I let my guard down and let you in.
You were my go to and I was yours. I know it sounds cliché to call someone your home, but you became mine. We were doing so well that even our biggest doubters became supporters.
That’s when the fights started- small at first, but growing more common and harsher with each month going by. At first, I fought back. I fought like hell for us and to be the bigger person. But somehow, words were twisted and I was always the one who took the blame. I remember being so desperate for an apology of any kind that I would write them for you in my head. Here you were making the mess, and I was left cleaning it up. I’m not saying I was an easy person to get along with either, as you put me in my place on countless occasions whether I was being overdramatic or worrying too much.
Yet looking back now, maybe I wasn’t worrying enough. I felt that I was always in constant competition with other girls, but I couldn’t admit it. I couldn’t admit I was wrong about you and your good heart. So rather than respect myself, I pushed all of those feelings and ugly rumors about you somewhere where they wouldn’t show.
I saw the red flags, the names of girls, the secret hangouts. I sensed the distance growing between us. I saw the change in the way you looked at me. I felt the change in the way you touched me. I heard the automatic “I love you” from your lips.
We were both going to college and before we moved away, things seemed to look up. You became my home and comfort again. But inside, my head was screaming, “This is the only calm before the storm. Brace yourself.”
Boy, was I right. Except, when the storm hit and we decided to end it, it was eerily quiet.
We decided to stay friends. You were my best friend and there was no reason to change that. Things were good again. For the first time in months, I went to bed without crying.
That’s when the real storm hit. That one night a week later, everything was destroyed. No longer could I trust you in any way, even as my friend. The physical pain felt throughout my entire body trapped me for weeks. People tell me that I shouldn’t miss you and don’t deserve you, but somehow you were my everything in such a short amount of time.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for you. I’m happy that you are beginning to live out your dreams. I’m happy that you’re happy without me.
All I ask of you is to never let that good heart of yours turn bad. Never again lose a good thing over a good time.
I pray and know you will find someone who brings that good side of you out completely; maybe I just wasn’t the right one for you. I don’t regret you, and I don’t hate you. Instead, I want to thank you for all of the fun memories, for welcoming me into such an amazing family, and for showing me what love can be.
I miss you, but I don’t want you back. I miss the old you, the boy with the good heart who I fell in love with. I’m sorry and I love you.