This an addition to the collection of letters I’ve written for you, and hopefully this will be the last one too.
You know, it has been how many months and I haven’t forgotten about you. Not even once. I thought I could get over you now that you’re far away, but I guess I held on. I chose to wait for you even though I know deep inside, what I’m doing only makes me more of an idiot. I chose to remember all the hardships, and instead of forgetting about them, they became my reason to continue chasing you. I keep thinking “What if he actually did like me?” “Should I just give up?” “Why can’t I give up on you?” “Am I stupid enough to accept the truth and still fight?” “Was there never a chance?”
So many questions, but not once have I received an answer. I want answers because maybe they would help me move on. But I can’t ask. I can’t know. Because I’m afraid that I’d get hurt more than I already am. I’m scared that I’d still choose you despite everything. I’m scared of what would happen next after finding out the truth. I’m not even sure if I would actually be happy that I would finally be able to let go.
As much as I would like to blame you and your mixed signals, I can’t. Because it’s not your fault right? It’s all my fault. It was always my fault, am I right? Wrong. If only you told me the truth from the beginning, I wouldn’t have gotten close. I would have been able to stop myself from falling for you even more. I would have been able to prevent the heartache and awkwardness that came after finding out the truth. I would have not cried myself to sleep. I would not have bothered you and tried my best to convey my feelings. But, I admit, I am also to blame for a lot of things. I know that there was no chance, still, I gave every ounce of effort that I can offer. I wrote letters even though I shouldn’t have. I admitted my feelings despite the fact that they would probably just be neglected, ignored, or even thrown away. I allowed myself to know you more. And in the end, look where that got me.
We’re both at fault. But, why do feel like I’m the only who made a mistake? Why is it that every time I talk to you, I feel like I’m annoying you? Why is that every time I try to get close, you walk farther away from me? Why is that every time I make an effort, I feel like the distance between us is just growing? Am I supposed to feel this way? Is this a punishment for breaking the hearts of others? If it were, then I guess I deserve it. Despite that, it still hurts.
It hurts to move on, and then realize that I can’t. It hurts to keep going forward, then suddenly get pulled back. It hurts to like someone who appreciates my effort, but still can’t seem to feel the same way. It hurts to see you happy even though I know that you should be. It hurts to know that you’re sad and I can’t even do anything about it. It hurts that I still want to get close even though I know it’s impossible. It freakin’ hurts, you damn idiot. And to make things worse, I still like you despite the pain that I feel. Is this pain a sign that I should just give up? Am I really ready to throw away the two years of waiting? Is it really not worth it like I thought it would be?
Idiot. No, I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about myself. I’m talking about the Rikki who cried and got her heart shattered, but still chooses to hold on. I’m talking about the Rikki who smiles whenever she sees your name, and then immediately feels sad because of the past. I’m talking about the Rikki who has the courage to approach you, but deep inside, fears that she’d get hurt again. I’m talking about the Rikki who continuously waits for the day that you would tell her you feel the same way. I’m talking about the Rikki who likes you so much to the point that she’s willing to initiate a conversation, write letters, post pictures, and even tweet things just for you to notice her. Most of all, I’m talking about the Rikki who lost her self while chasing after you. She lost myself. I lost myself. I found myself. And now, I feel like I’m about to lose myself again. I’m about to lose my heart and everything I’ve tried so hard to keep intact.
I don’t know if it’s the challenge, the excuses, the mixed signals, or simply my stupidity. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget about you. I can’t forget about the day we first talked. I can’t forget about the day you first said hi to me. The day you first waved at me. The day you avoided me. The day you made me smile until the only feeling I recognize is happiness. The day you made me feel lonely. The day I had my first picture. The day I wrote you a letter. And the day
that I thought everything would end—graduation day.
March 2017—I gave you a letter hoping that by doing so I would be able to erase the little things that remind me of you. And so, the last day I tried to think about you was when you said that we should dream to the fullest. I was really happy because for once, you actually included me. I felt special. That is why after that, I’ve decided to leave things as it is.
Days, weeks, and months have passed. I still think about you, but not that often anymore. And eventually, because we’re no longer in the same vicinity, I started noticing others. I started liking someone else. But you know what? Because of you, my heart decided to shield itself. Yes, I like someone else. And to be honest, that someone else is amazing and much better than you in different aspects. But I can’t even properly say those words that I’ve just said. I feel like by saying that someone else is better than you, I’m offending you. I feel like I’m hurting in you some way. I feel like I’ve failed to defend you. When in reality, I have failed to protect myself. I do like someone else. But I no longer want to try. I no longer wish to do the things I did for you. I no longer have the determination to go an extra mile for someone else. Why? Because I’m scared. I’m tired. I’m fear that the experience I had with you will be repeated with someone else. I’m scared of trying because I don’t want to see the eyes of others. Eyes that somehow seem to be judging me for liking someone a lot. I’m scared that if I try, things would be complicated just like how it was with you and me. See? This is who I am right now. I got used to giving my best for you to the point that I don’t want to be the best person I can be for someone else. I guess I don’t want to do away with what’s constant—my effort for you.
You can tell me I’m obsessed. You can call me stupid. You can hate me all you want. But you can’t change the way I feel. And that’s what I hate the most. I’m willing to accept criticism, but why am I so against with burying the strong emotions I have for you? If you know the answer, please tell me. It would even be better if you take away these feelings and completely throw them away. I would appreciate it much more if you ignore me rather than replying to my messages. I would appreciate you saying harsh words to me rather than being kind and helpful all the time. It would even be for the best if you tell me to stay away rather than doings that make me stay. Because trust me, I’m exhausted of all this shit.
I don’t know what to say anymore because I’ve already said words that are more than a thousand. Still, words are not enough to tell you how I truly feel. Tired. Painful. Happy. Sad. Annoyed. Angry. Confused. Love. Hate. Those are not the words I’m looking for. What I’m looking for is the word NUMB. I don’t want to feel anything for you anymore, but how do I that? If you know how, tell me. So that I can finally cut the strings that connect my heart and soul to you—a bottomless, dark, and scary hole that wishes to suck what’s left of my broken self.