1. Convince Yourself That You’ve Absolutely, Without A Doubt Chosen The Wrong Career Path
Nothing conjures misery quite like kicking yourself for choosing the wrong major in college. Constantly remind yourself that you’re an absolute moron for majoring in English or Film Studies instead of Computer Science or Chemical Engineering. Sure, you’re following your dreams and stuff, but your other, smarter friends have post-graduation jobs that are paying them real salaries. Remember that as you slurp up your next dinner of Ramen and regret.
2. Reveal Your Personal Problems Early On In Relationships
You should absolutely hint at a family member’s illness when speaking with potential employers. Better yet, tell your hookup buddy that you think your mom should be medicated…with horse tranquilizers. Or maybe mention your asthma and silky, sensual bouts with eczema. That always hooks ‘em.
3. Date People You Have No Interest In Being With Long-Term
…And keep repeating the false mantra, “Yes, the sex is that good.”
4. Don’t Bond With Your College Professors
Seriously, they have nothing to offer you except homework/paper/exam tips, recommendations for grad school/scholarships/study abroad, and general life wisdom. That all sounds pretty useless anyway.
5. Try Desperately To Fit In With The Cool Crowd
All you have to do is fundamentally change everything about yourself. And while you’re at it, make sure to treat your true friends like absolute garbage. After all, someone has to be there to remind them that you’re better than them.
6. Set Unrealistic Dieting Expectations
Shedding 30 pounds in a week is seriously no big deal. You just have to eat less carbs. Or no carbs. Or all the carbs. When you aren’t seeing results, just remember that it’s your metabolism, your genetics, your [insert lame excuse here].
7. Date Two People at Once
It’s hard to accurately gauge the feelings of being a scumbag from watching Jersey Shore alone, so it’s important that you explore every possible opportunity you have to date more than one person at a time. If it ends up being too stressful, pick one and frequently remind yourself that you made the wrong choice.
8. Let Yourself Lose Touch With People You Really Care About
Sometimes friendships fade, but that doesn’t mean they have to end…unless you’re stubborn. If you cringe at the very idea of showing any sign of vulnerability, do not reach out to those friends you pictured having at your wedding. It’s their fault for not reaching out to you anyway.