I Am Still Here In The Universe We Built Together


Last night I dreamed of you again. You were in an unknown place, surrounded by unknown people, something I remember you always hated. You had a glass of wine you were trying to disappear into, standing in a corner and my whole heart ached for you. I remember holding your hand in rooms like that and comforting you and how suddenly all those other people were just stars in the sky, and there was only you and me in our own little universe, untouchable, seeings entire galaxies in each other’s eyes, invincible in our laughter in this dream like happiness.

But sadly, even the best things must end sometimes and so did this universe that we thought was infinite. I remember the day you decided it was over, it was like going from the brightness of the sun to a pitch black abyss, sudden, heartbreaking, and irreparable. I wondered what to do with this universe you abandoned. Was it dead because you had left it? Can you bury a universe? Does a universe get its own grave? I thought of all the beautiful things we had put into it. Two bodies brimming with planets, eyes full of galaxies, memories made of nebulae, hearts made of soulmate stars, the ability in a room full of strangers to see nothing but each other, and the ability to make each other laugh.

I decided to leave the universe where it was. Think of you more often than I should instead of burying the memories. Love you even though it hurt me because this was what the universe of our love deserved.

One of us has to remember it. One of us has to pay the price of birthing a love so strong, so beautiful that it cannot be forgotten. I don’t know if you remember it, if you dream of me in my saddest moments where I need you the most and your heart aches for me too. I just can’t let something this beautiful just die. I can’t let go of what is infinite. I can’t let go of the thing that made me the best version of myself. And I can’t let go of the feeling that the best version of me was with you.

So I’ll stay here. In this universe that we built together. Hoping, praying, wishing on every shooting star that spills from my mind that you will return to the universe of our love too. TC mark

Nikita Gill

Nikita is the author of Your Soul Is A River, a book about healing and becoming whole again.

Your Soul Is A River

“Love a soft person. The ones who are positive, even in the worst of circumstances. Someone whose strength is not in bravado, but in their quiet. Someone who is strong for others because that is what is needed in that moment. Someone who is the moon that soothes instead of the sun that burns. Someone who sees the very best in people even when you think they aren’t worth it. The kind of person who always wants to do the best for those they love.”
—Excerpt from Your Soul Is A River, by Nikita Gill

“I bought this on a whim to read as I was resting for the night, and I do not regret it one bit! Everything about the poetry in this book is amazing, heart breaking, and soul searching. It will lift your spirits on your darkest days. I want to thank the author so much for writing this, as it’s something I will be rereading a lot! Always remember, everything about you is important. You matter.” —McKayla

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