4 Ways To Greatly Improve Your Dating Game

Hitch / Amazon.com
Hitch / Amazon.com

1. Get bit by a radioactive spider…

…and wake up the next day to find you have superpowers! Ok seriously, how cool would this be? You’re picking a girl up on a date and you both walk outside, but wait, where’s your car? She freaks out a little bit, half worried you’re a serial killer/murderer/rapist who can’t legally drive or own a car, and half worried that your car got stolen. Yet the next thing she knows she’s up 500 feet in the air because, surprise! You can fly! Just don’t drop her while she’s having a panic attack over Zimbabwe.

2. Be a doormat!

This one is for those of you who just love feet. Everybody says it’s not good to be a doormat (don’t let people walk all over you, honey, you’re worth more than that) but here’s my theory: if you have a foot fetish, what better object is there to be? Plus, girls love getting foot massages! Mmm fresh feet all up in your face — is there anything more magical? (Personally if I had a foot fetish, I would argue that there is noting more magical, but alas, I don’t…)

3. Ignore her! Hard!

This one’s an oldie, but obviously a goodie. It’s been proven to work 65% of the time. Here’s my twist though: Instead of just ignoring her while you’re in her general vicinity, try disappearing entirely. You know, like from everyone’s lives and from pretty much everywhere. Simply drop off the face of the earth. Bury yourself in school, work, your foot fetish, whatever, just DO NOT BE SEEN. Your family and friends will be all like, What? Where’d you go? And your crush will be all like I miss you so, seems like it’s been forever, since you been gone… *voice breaking from the waterfall of emotions* …please come back home.

4. Be Zorro!

Ok so you like this girl, right? But you don’t necessarily know how to strike up a conversation with her. Simple solution: put on your darkest, tightest breeches and your blackest puffiest-sleeved shirt. Wrap a cape around your shoulders and a mask around your eyes, and then top it all off with a mysterious wide-brimmed hat. So alluring! So inexplicable! All the girls will be running to you, if for nothing else than just to figure out what the actual fuck is going on. TC mark

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