This Is How I Love(d) You, Then, Now, And Later

frank mckenna
frank mckenna

(Then) When I met you I was prepared for one of two things. I was either ready to see you once, possibly get a free meal out of it, and never see you again. OR I was going to end up really liking you and you’d break my heart in a couple of weeks or months.

I wasn’t prepared for the possibility of falling deeply in love with you, because that wasn’t the way it went for a girl like me. But then you just happened, you were everything I could ever ask for and everything I had no clue I wanted. We went from seeing each other only on weekends, to once or twice a week, and then all of sudden my life was consumed with you.

You made me laugh at the all the couples I met who said that love wasn’t easy. If it was like this forever how could it not be? You got to know the deepest parts of me, not because I forced it on you, but because you asked me questions and wanted to know what I was really about. I enjoyed learning about all of you too. About your past heartbreaks, your family, and the hardest points of your life.

It only made me fall in love with you more and more and more. I was so overwhelmed with feelings for you that I could barely contain my happiness. Sometimes so overwhelmed I would give myself an anxiety attack because I thought it was to good to be true. This was going to end badly right? Everyone commented on how I was always glowing with joy and how much I deserved it. You had saved me from one of the lower moments of my life and I couldn’t have been more grateful for that. You were the best part of my day, everyday.

(Now) Love is NOT easy. I can attest to the fact that the honeymoon stage ends. It is hard, and I can see it is over more than you. It’s no longer about date nights; there is less flirting, and less trying. At first I thought it meant you didn’t like me anymore, and that this was the beginning of the end.

We have become comfortable with one another. I don’t feel the need to constantly curl my hair or dress up for you every time we go out. The nervousness I use to get on my way to pick you up has dissipated. You have become a part of my everyday life, apart of my schedule. When you look at it this way it sounds sad or that I am angry with you, but the truth is I am not. At first I thought it was bad or that maybe our love wasn’t going to last.

Then something bad would happen to me or I’d be upset and you were the only person I wanted to tell. Even better, something good would happen to me and you were my first phone call. All I wanted to do was hear your voice or read your words when something significant happened in my life. I caught myself planning events for the future and already planning you to be apart of them. I still look forward to hearing from you everyday, especially at the times I expect, and when I don’t hear from you I go into full on panic mode that you have most certainly got hit by a bus.

I was so afraid of the honeymoon stage being over because I thought maybe you’d find something better, someone else who gave you the feeling I did in those months a short time ago. But then all it took was for me step back and appreciate one very thing that hasn’t stopped, your love for me and your commitment to me has never lacked. You are more supportive, more caring, more loving, and more open then the day you told me you loved me. I hope I am the best part of your day because; you are still the best part of my day, everyday.

(Later) Everything with us has moved both quickly and slowly all at the same time. I want you to know I wouldn’t have it any other way, because to me our story is perfect and it works for us. I do know that talking about the future so far in advance is sort of a taboo since you really don’t know what is going to happen. Tomorrow is always a new day with new moments, new people, and new opportunities. But if you let me love you tomorrow and the next day it would be an honor.

When I loved you then I thought I couldn’t love you more, but I did. And the way I love you now, I know there is so much room in my heart to love you later. If you allow me to love you later I’ll do it in the way that it comes so naturally we probably won’t even know its happening. I’ll love you in the way that when you come home from a shitty workday all you have to do is see me to feel better.

I will love you to the point where I can make you feel as safe as you do for me. I will love you by protecting your heart and always being honest with you. I will love you as a whole and never put you down for your faults or mistakes. I will love you so much it will make you want to be the best version of yourself, but never change you at your core.

Yeah love isn’t easy, it’s hard, it’s a lot of work, but often we forget that it is worth it. So if I get to love you later, just know I will love the shit out of you. I will accept you for who you are then, now, and later. If I get to love you later, I think we can be the best part of both our days, everyday. TC mark

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