Quitting Him Was Like Quitting Smoking

You make a promise to your parents that you’ll never smoke. You make a promise to yourself you’ll never allow another person to control your feelings. You keep that promise all the way up until you no longer can. It all starts with “just one” cigarette from a friend who says they only have good intentions. In the same way it starts when the one person sees you differently than anyone else ever has. In a blink of an eye you become addicted.

You started with one cigarette at a party. Just like the way it started with one glance from him as he walked into that Thursday morning class.

Then it was just a casual cigarette on a Monday to ease your way into the week. Just like the way he eased his seat closer to you for those few short hours that you were in school.

The casual cigarette on a Monday turned into Tuesdays and Thursday too. Just like the way it went from seeing him in class to studying together at least twice a week.

Those casual every other day smokes became every day smokes. Just like the way it went from studying to actually spending a little time together everyday even it was just for an hour.

You don’t smoke once a day anymore, you smoke twice, once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Just like the way we saw each other and then text me less than an hour later to tell me that you missed me already.

Soon enough twice a day wasn’t enough anymore and it sure became a pack a day even though you had better things your money could go to. Just like the way he couldn’t get enough of you so hanging out between classes and before going home was the best solution, because you have never felt this kind of feeling before even though you had better things your time could go to.

Then all of a sudden the smoking was too hard to hide and your mom cried when she smelled the stench in your laundry. Just like the way you knew you couldn’t hide your feelings anymore and your friends noticed that he was making you act differently.

Your parents begged you to quit. Just like the way your friends begged you to spend a little time with them once in a while. You couldn’t not just yet the feeling was too good. You could quit at anytime, but you didn’t have to because you were strong enough to do it whenever needed right?

Then all of a sudden you develop a cough that gave you excruciating pains. Just like the way he started not answering yours texts as fast anymore and your heart had excruciating pains because you felt like you did something wrong.

The cough turned into you feeling lazy all the times and people not wanting to drive in your car because the stench wasn’t bearable. Just like the way your heart hurting turned into constant headaches from overthinking everything between the to of you, and your friends didn’t want to be around you because you were always sad.

The cough has turned into a sore throat, you can no longer climb up a full set of stairs without getting winded, and the stench from your car has reached your bedroom. Your parents have given up on you. Just like the way your heart is pounding 24/7, the headaches have turned into migraines, and your life feels a mess. Your friends have stopped bothering to ask you to hang out.

You’ve decided this is too much pain, you decide to quit smoking. Just like the way you decide he has caused you too much heartache and you break up with him.

It started with not smoking a pack but only twice a day. Just like the way you stopped stalking him on all social media.

Twice a day turned into one, and then one a day turned into every other day. Just like the way you stopped texting him first, and no longer bothered to send him Snapchats or liking his statuses on Facebook.

Every other day turned into an occasional one at a party with that one friend who still says they have good intentions for you. Just like the way you only saw him once a week in class as he sat on the other side of the room.

The one at a party turned into you saying no thanks. Just like the way you get a text from him late at night and instead of answer you delete the conversation and go to sleep.

Then one day you realized you no longer want a cigarette even if you’re around it. Just like the way when you see him walking on campus and you don’t even wonder how he is doing.

Quitting him was like quitting smoking. But when you really think about it you compared him to something that causes cancer, so how good could he really have been for you? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I use humor to cope with my grief.

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