To My Friend,
Hi. I know right about now you are just watching life pass by while you sort of sit in pause. What just happened to you is indescribable, unpredictable, and unimaginable. Some days are easy, but most days are just plain hard. I don’t know what to say to you because I didn’t even know what I wanted people to say when my father died.
I hated when people told me, “Don’t worry he is in a better place.”, “You’re going to be okay,” and the most common one of all, “I’m sorry for your loss.” How did anyone know my father was in a better place? Wouldn’t the best place for him to be here with my mom and I? How did you know I’d be okay? My father just died, how would I ever come back from that? And why are you sorry? You had no hand in his death so why are you apologizing? Or are you saying sorry because you pity me? The truth is they don’t mean harm by it, but for a while you can’t help but be angry with everyone. And that is okay.
This horrible thing has happened and no one in this world could possibly understand how you feel. And you’re right. You lost someone you loved; someone who lived for you, and in time lived vicariously through you. You knew his favorite ice cream flavor ice cream was rocky road, that he enjoyed cliché comedy movies like Grown Ups, and that he loved the early morning s because he loved dropping his girls off at school.
You lost the person that made you feel most safe. The person you did well in school for, shared your first laughs with, and the first man who would ever love you. How could I ever understand that love? I can’t because it’s not mine, just like the love between my father and I will never be yours. I’ll never know what it was like to lose your father, no one will, and don’t you ever let anyone take that away from you.
Although I’ll never fully understand your relationship there is something I want you to know even though I didn’t believe it at first either it is the truth. You will never get over your loss, but in time you will be okay. You will eventually be okay knowing he is never going to walk through your door again, but you’ll always hope he will. You’ll laugh again and it won’t be a fake one to make people think you’re okay. It will be a loud boisterous one that makes your stomach hurt.
You’ll learn to open up again, to love again, and to feel again. You’ll realize that all the big moments were not nearly as meaningful as the small ones you shared with him randomly. You’ll start to do the things they loved to do not on purpose, but by coincidence. And you’ll smile because you know a part of him is always going to be a part of you. You’ll start to live life not just in memory of him, but for yourself because you realize your worth and how strong you really are.
Life will never be the way it was before he was gone, but one day you’ll wake up and realize you have created a new normal, a new kind of happy, upset, confused, and any other emotion you care to experience. But there is only one way to get there. You have to let yourself grieve. Allow time for denial, anger, and sadness. If you feel like crying on the bus let yourself have that moment. If you want to talk about your dad, do it.
If you want to ask questions, ask them. Don’t let anyone ever tell you the way you grieve is wrong or that you stop talking about your dad. Get rid of negative people in you life they will only bring you farther away from your new normal. Always keep the memories alive, write everything down because trust me you won’t remember all of it. And the most important thing of all, please always put yourself first. Take time for YOU whenever YOU need it.
I know the new normal seems so far but it’s closer than you think. I can’t wait till you get there and you are truly happy again. Always know I am just a call away to help you get there.
Someone Who Understands (Kind Of)
P.S. He was proud of you before. He is proud of you now. He is proud of you always.