6 Things You Need To Know About Indians (From An Indian)

1. There’s more than one type of curry.

People have SO MANY misconceptions about curry. I’m supposed to be the curry expert. Let me do the talking. Everyone seems to think there’s only one type of curry. NOPE. Indians can make curry with almost anything and everything. So we have fish curry, chicken curry, capsicum curry, and even mango curry. So there are infinite curries. So when someone says something stupid like “curry-flavored ramen,” all the Indians just laugh in their heads. Secondly, just because I’m Indian doesn’t mean curry is all I eat. Please don’t be startled when you see me having some fries, thanks.

2. Hair is a HUGE problem for us.

I wish I was joking. But hair is a HUGE problem we Indians have to bear with. I think Indian guys and girls can empathize with me. If you’re an Indian man, you better count on your razor lasting half as long as your Chinese friend’s if you wanna turn up to work not looking homeless every day. My dad shaves every day. Every day. And by lunch, he can choose to shave again because of stubble. LOL Indians. As for the girls, we just wanna find a way to damage our hair follicles. Waxing your legs results in hair-free, smooth legs for two to three weeks. HAHA. If you’re Indian you probably wanna halve that number. Doesn’t help to have a mustache and a unibrow, either. So every 15-20 days we head over to the salon and get it all ripped off our face, hands, legs, whatever. And..repeat.

3. Our parents are extremely overbearing.

We all have parents who are concerned and loving and whatever whatever. But trust me when I say Indian parents are in a completely different league. At every point in our lives we have a set of priorities. As individuals, we’re usually obsessed with the top of the list while our Indian parents have an obsession with the bottom.

At age 3
Our Priority: Not shitting our pants.
Indian Parents’ Priority: Being able to memorize all the names of our extended family tree. (Indians have family forests. Uncle, auntie, grandma, granddad, uncle’s bros, uncle’s sisters, auntie’s bros, auntie’s sis, etc.)

At age 13
Our Priority: looking decent in school
Indian Parents’ Priority: Any and every bit of flesh to be covered and if you dare argue there shall be some extreme dramatics which include exclaiming “Oh my god why did god keep me alive to see this day?!” OR bringing up a completely irrelevant argument like “how are your marks?”.

At age 23
Our Priority: Doing well in our careers after FINALLY getting our degree completed.
Indian Parents’ Priority: WHEN ARE YOU MARRYING THE BOY/GIRL OF MY CHOICE? And of course when you put up a fight there’s emotional blackmail. “All right. You do what you wish. It was just your mother’s wish to see her grandchildren before she died. But it’s OK. Its your life.” And it works because yes, it’s your life but you’re now guilty for no reason.

4. We’re overpatriotic about India.

Indians are literally everywhere. There’s no stopping us (sorry) and we gonna be here a long time. But it’s really weird when you see an Indian in the USA with his green card and the moment Chak De India (one of India’s many “patriotic” films) starts playing, he’s all in tears about how he misses his country and how there’s no place like India. Indians are really weird that way. We study hard to GTFO of India and when we have children overseas we tell them how we wanna go back to India and die there. We are obsessed with our tri-colored flag and we’re really really proud of our humble, poverty-infested nation because our independence is our pride. So don’t argue with the Indian about India v. America because India will win even though America is better.

5. Most of the stereotypes about us are true.

You know how black people are always made the villains in movies but most of them are sweethearts in real life and the stereotype completely messes things up? Well in this case, nope. The sad thing is, we are our stereotypes. Yes all Indian men are vaguely creepy, all of them are unusually hairy. Indian women almost always get fat after marriage and yeah they’re all serial naggers. BLEH.