I Don’t Regret Loving You

I have never regretted anything, especially falling in love with you. I don’t regret loving you when you said I was your best choice even though you treated me like your second best choice. I don’t regret loving you when you said I was your priority even though you prioritized a million other things before me. I don’t regret loving you when you made promises even though your promises lasted a few days, followed by a few hours, and then a few minutes. I don’t regret loving you when you said you cared for me even though you didn’t care if we went to bed unresolved. I don’t regret loving you when you said you were too busy to reply back to my messages even though you had time to message your friends. I don’t regret loving you when you said I was the most beautiful girl even though you looked for beauty outside of me. I don’t regret loving you when you said I meant the world to you even though you gave away what meant the world to me to someone else.

I don’t regret loving you because you were worth the struggle – no, that’s not it. I fell for you. I fell for it all. I really thought love was supposed to feel the way you made me feel – hopeless, distant, disrespected, devalued, unattractive, unpassionate, befriended, and depreciated. I really thought love was supposed to feel all that I felt being with you. And being with you made me believe that the love I knew of, growing up, was a fairy-tale. That the simple things I dreamt of, like loyalty, friendship, companionship, conversations, and compassion were to be left at the movies and in books – never to be felt, never to be lived.

And this is why I don’t regret loving you-you taught me what real love looks like after we parted. You made me realize what love feels like, what it sounds like, and what it tastes like. I’m now able to compare love with so much contrast – I am able to distinguish real love from “love” that was threatening and unstable. I am able to feel all the good things that love is supposed to bring. I am able to witness it, feel it, immerse myself in it, and respond to it without hesitation. I am able to give back all my love, without reserving some of it for the right time, until I see change and stability. I am able to feel what it’s like to not settle for less and know my worth. I am able to be my loud, energetic, quirky, uncanny, and attractive self without feeling threatened by the next beautiful girl that walks by. I am able to feel what it’s like to live simple and still find happiness without making an effort to do things, like take trips, and to buy things to make love feel fun and whole. I am able to feel special on every little and big occasion without someone making me feel like they’re doing me a favor – real love doesn’t make you feel taken granted for. I am able to dream and dream big with someone who makes dreams possible by doing what it takes to make dreams come true and not just procrastinate. I am able to feel all the light within my soul because love doesn’t feel like a struggle, it flows.

So, I thank you. I really do. I thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you. TC mark

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