At one point or another, college students and young adults will probably find themselves in a friends with benefits situation. While this seems ideal for most young people who still might not be ready to settle down, sometimes this situations ends up in a less than ideal situation of one sided love. So while you may be wondering while you’re up late at night tossing and turning wondering if this could be something more, you very well may have found the love of your life.
Everyone knows the age-old stories of people who were friends forever and then eventually, usually after many failed relationships, realize their friend was “the one” all along. Well, what happens when you’re not looking for “the one” but still want to sleep with someone? You talk to your good friend and set up a friends with benefits. You make the ground rules of no strings attached and once you get feelings you end it etc. Things go well for the first few weeks then you realize the thought of this person being with anyone else is sickening. You’re breaking the rules and you find yourself burying those feelings in order not to lose the person completely.
Then, a month or two later, you find yourself drunk at a bar texting this person telling them you’re not okay with it. You love them and you admit it and there are a few ways this could go: they admit they feel the same way, they don’t feel the same way but insist on being friends either way, they call everything off, and finally they just don’t answer.
So let us explore each option shall we?
Let’s say they are also in love you with. Congratulations! You have successfully found yourself a boyfriend or girlfriend. And let me tell you, these are the best significant others. While you are casually having sex with someone you become so beyond comfortable with him or her that this transition into dating isn’t even a transition at all. As someone who is dating a past hook up buddy I can speak from experience. You also successfully have started your relationship with tons and tons of omission lies.
I am sure at one point you will be lying there with your significant other and you will ask “why didn’t you tell me sooner you had feelings?” Don’t worry everyone does it and its normal to try to inquire about. Most of the time, the answer is they didn’t want to lose you completely or didn’t want to seem too attached. Once that is squared away you find yourself in a wonderful relationship and one day look back and laugh about it.
They may also not feel the same way but insist on staying friends. This seems like the best alternative. You get your friend back so the situation doesn’t seem completely horrible. Now, most everyone has been in love their friend and knows how hard it is to stay friends with someone you have feelings for. It is hard, you have to look at this person and laugh and hang out and act like you’re not screaming on the inside about wanting to be with them. So we find this is actually one of the worst alternatives.
You should never have to set aside your feelings for a person. If you can stay friends with this person and get past your feelings, I admire you and encourage you to do so. I mean this person is your best friend after all. However, I think most people are like me and cannot do that. So after a month or two you find yourself calling off the friendship because it’s too hard. Once again I speak from experience on this, it sucks. Nothing like putting yourself out there to get rejected.
Then there is the person who calls everything. No sex, no friendship, no nothing. This person most likely was never a real friend, so therefore the loss isn’t too upsetting. The problem with this is we find ourselves reeling and wishing we never said anything because we lost this person completely. But, this feeling last a few days, we get over it, and eventually over them.
Finally we have my favorite: the one who doesn’t answer. Ah, what a person to read this message and completely dismiss it. This is probably the hardest response to get over. Without this person saying anything, we have the room to assume that they could have felt the same but didn’t want to say it, or that they were disgusted by the thought of this. We get no closer out of this and we find this lingering feeling of what could have been with us all day.
Friends with benefits are a great way to figure out who or what you want. As long as you keep in mind the possible outcomes there should be no surprises as you embark on this journey.