She just wanted to feel love and not have it thrown back in her face. She wanted it gently placed in the palm of her hand, like an offering that wasn’t so painful. She wanted love to feel the way people said it should feel, warm and comfy, colorful and exciting. She wanted the love she never felt but the love she knew she deserved.
She wanted to try again despite the previous heartbreak, despite the previous asshole who not only let her down, but took advantage of her kindness. The one who treated her heart that was labeled FRAGILE on the box like there was something disposable inside, because that’s what her heart was to him, garbage.
She wanted him to realize what he was missing. She wanted him to realize what he had after it was gone, but she didn’t want him to come back. She wanted him to stay as far away as healing needed, even though healing was something she had no idea how to do.
But she tried. She tried to focus on herself. She tried to not take love so seriously, to put less pressure on finding it, to just live her life without feeling like she needed one special person to live it with. She tried to learn that having love with someone else wasn’t everything, and that having love for herself was.
And when she finally found where that love was hiding she started to learn what healing was, and the work it takes to make it happen. So she put in the work to do it, and that’s when she realized there were setbacks. She realized trying meant failing, but that failing shouldn’t keep her from trying again. So healing was something she tried more than once. Healing became an ongoing effort, a process. Healing for her was a never-ending road with forks but no signs, a journey that others told her about, that she had no idea was so hard to navigate. Healing made her feel lost.
And when she realized how hard she was trying just to heal, just to feel the way normal people do, to feel ‘okay,’ she realized something else she missed feeling, and that was love. Falling in love, growing in love, learning in love, she missed it all. And when she felt the feeling of missing love more than the feeling of being hurt by it, she decided it was time to try and love again. Healing takes effort, and so does love. She knew if she wanted love again, she’d have to try.