We write about the boys who break our hearts, we remember them, we regret them, we obsess and overthink them. The boys who we use as excuses for building our walls so high, for guarding our hearts so carefully, almost as a sort of self-sabotaging strategy so that we’ll never find love or even a potential for love ever again, because that way there’s no risk for heartbreak, no risk for hurt or pain, or sitting in bed for three days straight only getting up for a bowl of cereal or ice cream or another glass of wine. We write about the boys who cause the painful things we hope to never experience again.
We write about the boys who make us angry. The ones who are too cowardly to tell us how they really feel and think silence, or disappearing is an equal substitute, a better alternative. The ones we think, ‘this time might be different,’ the ones we hope are different, but turn out to be painfully similar to the last disappointment.
We write about the boys who say they understand our desire for something more meaningful, but end up leaving unexpectedly anyway, even though we know all along why they leave, because we’re too much. The ones who find us good enough to take upstairs after 2 am to fuck, but not good enough to hold our hand when we’re walking down the street and our fingertips spontaneously brush up against one another’s.
We write about the boys who we’ll always remember for reasons we’d do anything to forget, for the way they hurt us, for the promises they made and never kept, for the good memories they left us with, and for the peace of closure they left us without. We write about these boys. These childish, narcissistic, pieces of shit that don’t deserve one more ounce of energy, one more word written; they don’t deserve another syllable. This is their ending. This is our closure.
Here’s to the men worth waiting for.
Here’s to the men who aren’t afraid to let us in. The ones who tell us that they really like us even if we haven’t said it first. The ones who text us the day after we have a wonderful time together because they can’t help not to, because they’re thinking about us constantly and aren’t afraid to make it known, to make it obvious.
Here’s to the men who grab our hands when they want to, because they want to. The ones who kiss our cheeks when we’re in public not because they care to show people that we’re ‘their’s’ or that they’re with us, but because they just want to be closer, because they want to feel the warmth of our skin against theirs. The ones who light up when they hear our laughter and attempt to make it heard more often.
Here’s to the men who talk about the future. The ones who know that just because you talk about it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to happen, and the ones who aren’t scared of it happening anyway. The men who understand the meaning of commitment and the ones who don’t makes promises unless they’re certain they can honor them.
Here’s to the men who don’t make us question. The ones who let us know what they want from day one even if it’s not a relationship or something along the lines of monogamy. The ones who don’t make us wonder if they’re interested, who are far too busy for mind-games or only calling us when they’re wasted, the ones who build our confidence rather than slowly deconstructing it. The ones who give us the peace of mind to sleep soundly at night rather than looking at the clock every hour realizing we just lost another 60 minutes of sleep thinking about them.
Here’s to the men who stick around. The men who don’t run the other direction the first time your vulnerability makes an unexpected entrance. The men who realize, yes, we do have feelings, and at times they’re more erratic than others.
Here’s to the men who aren’t afraid to say, ‘I love you,’ when they really feel it. The men who realize feelings might not be reciprocated, but who take that chance regardless. Here’s to the men who are unafraid of love. The ones who don’t give a shit about the rules of modern dating or if they seem like they care too much. The ones who realize that real love isn’t dependent on who texts who first, or how many dates it takes to get you naked, the ones who know that if and when they love someone, they have to be open, honest, vulnerable, and sometimes a bit crazy, but they don’t hold anything back. They give us their all because they know our love is worth it.