You’ve been there before just not in the same way. You’re flying when you’re with him, and even when he’s gone, your feet still don’t touch the ground. When you’re not thinking about anything, you’re thinking about him, and when you’re thinking about everything else your somehow reminded of the two of you together, of the happiness you share, and how at this moment he makes you as happy as you make him, and that’s all you’ve ever wanted.
And then you start to wonder what it is about him that you really like, because you have this dark place of doubt that he will leave you, and it’s hidden so deep beneath the surface that only you know it’s there. And you think you’re good at hiding it, but eventually that dark place of doubt that has sunken so deep will begin to float, and soon you won’t be the only one who knows it’s there.
Because when everything is going well you’re waiting for disaster, for something to come in and take it all away. But when you’re too worried about what’s to come you can’t enjoy what is already there. You can’t actively try to diminish your fear of loving and being left, you have to accept that people come into your life because you let them in, and whether or not they choose to leave is out of your control, but if you shut them out, you’ll never know.
And not knowing makes your mind run in circles. One minute you’re telling yourself the risk isn’t worth it, and the next you’re convinced you have nothing to lose. And you’ll never really know the right way to go, because if something goes wrong you’ll look back and blame the path you chose, but maybe you need to realize you’re not as lost as you think you are. Just because you can’t see the final destination doesn’t mean you’re unsure of which direction you want to move. Deep down you know exactly where you want to go, but each step is full of more and more apprehension. And that apprehension will consume the happiness he brings into your life, so don’t let it.
You know how you feel about him, and it scares you, but you can’t allow the fear of being left to prevent you from moving forward, because if you fear love, you’ll never allow yourself to truly find it.