You have an idea of what kind of person you want to be with, so you trick yourself into thinking he fits that mold. You need a piece with one round edge, but he has too many corners. So you try to fit him in, and you reposition him in every which way, but you can’t change his corners you can only change how you see them.
So you do just that.
You ignore the things you’d rather not acknowledge, and you fall in love with only this part of him, the part that you’ve created in your mind, and the part that you’ve fooled yourself into thinking he truly is. And eventually you fool yourself so well that you can’t even remember the parts of him you’ve ignored.
Sometimes it feels so good to be with someone, the person you’re with may as well be anyone. But sometimes being alone is the time you figure out most about yourself, about the type of person you are and the type of person you hope to be, and then you’ll see that the person you one day do love will feel lucky to be with you.
And in the time that you’re alone, you’ll miss the person you thought you had, but as more time passes you’ll realize it wasn’t him you loved, it was the idea of him.
Because everyone wants to love someone who loves them back just as much, but most times it’s never a balanced scale. One end of the scale usually tips higher than the other, and just when you think it’s balancing out, the difference between both ends becomes that much more apparent. And it’s good to be a little unbalanced, but when you’re at the lower end of the scale, it doesn’t feel as good as they say it should. And this is when you start to ignore the voice in your head telling you this isn’t right, that he’s not right for you, and you’re not right for him.
Because you’d rather be with someone wrong for you than be with nobody at all.
But you won’t admit it, and that’s how you trick yourself into thinking you’re perfect for each other. And as you deny your fear of being alone it will eventually catch up to you. Because he might be the one to uncover that fear first, no matter how well you hide it, and if he sees you’re scared to be alone even when you’re with him, he’ll realize it’s not him you want to be with, it’s who you wish he was.
And then when he leaves you for exactly that reason you won’t understand why.
You’ll think it’s something you did, something you said, and he’ll give you reasons that attempt to ease the pain, and you’ll continue to wonder what you did wrong. But it was less of what you did and more of how you felt, and how those feelings affected your actions, and how you didn’t even realize, were you in love with him, or was it only the idea of him you loved? And when you can answer that question you’ll finally start to heal.