Before he happened I thought I was different. I saw something in myself that no one else did, because it wasn’t true, because it was only a fabrication of my own imagination. Something I created, and something I perpetuated. What it was, I’m not sure there are coherent words to describe, but it faulted me.
What I saw in myself, before he happened, kept me from expanding. Like a rubber band tied around my lungs, I held my breath for anyone new who came into my life. I remained idle and held the same low expectations. This person will let me down; this person will flee the first chance they get; this person will mistreat me. I became so immune to these low expectations that I was convinced I deserved nothing more.
Before he happened I would continuously hope for life to get better, but never held the belief that it could actually happen. It is one thing to hope for greater things to happen, and it is another to believe you are worthy of them.
When he happened I realized that it didn’t have to be so difficult. That when you find someone who truly enjoys you for who you are, there is no convincing involved. You don’t have to convince them that they care about you, they just do. You don’t have to convince yourself that this is all real, because you know it is. There is no persuasion, there is just certainty.
When he happened I realized that I do deserve more. I realized the wonderful person that he saw was wholly me, and there were finally no discrepancies between his view and my own. When I question whether I am worth it he makes me realize that I am.
When he happened, the damages diminished and the strength that once dwindled began to rebuild.
When he happened I realized that everything and everyone before him had led me up to this point, and how ready I actually was to finally let someone in.