1. When everyone’s eyes are on you, you break out in some kind of bright red rash.
Your chest becomes all splotchy, and someone will most definitely ask, “Oh my god, are you okay? You’re all red!” Thanks, I know, and no I’m not okay. Stop looking at me and maybe I’ll go back to my normal color.
2. You try to counterbalance the uncomfortableness with a laugh or chuckle.
But then you realize there is nothing to be laughing about, and your quirky giggle just sounds weird rather than comforting.
3. You chew your nails like they were your favorite piece of candy.
Yes, chomp them down to the very root… So much for your manicure. Now you have bits of red nail polish all over your black shirt, and you need to find something else to nervously chew on that is somewhat socially acceptable.
4. You can’t make eye contact with anyone.
When you try, you stare weirdly into someone’s nostrils or at their left front tooth. You can tell they notice you’re looking at something other than their eyes, and they begin to feel self conscious. No, there is nothing in your teeth, I just can’t handle your intense attention right now, and might nervously melt if I look you in the eye.
5. You start to tap your foot or leg like some wild animal.
You never knew restless leg syndrome was an actual condition until you were the undesired center of attention. You want to stop the incessant rhythm, but it’s the only thing that can distract you from everybody looking at you.
6. You adjust your posture every two seconds.
You feel like you might look awkward in your current position. Your shoulders were slouched so you straighten up. Now you’re way too tall and feel like your pumped up like Iron Man, so you slouch again. Okay, now you just look like some kind of wack-a-mole. Pick a posture and stick with it.
7. Your hands feel like they aren’t attached to your body.
When you despise being the center of attention, but regrettably must be in a certain social setting, you feel like you never know what to do with your hands. Does it look awkward if they just hang by my side? Should I cross my arms? Does that make me look like I’m an unhappy bitch? I can clasp them together in front of me, or in my lap. Great, now I look like I’m praying. Good god, can someone just chop them off right now?
8. You become really quiet, like strangely quiet.
You hate to be the center of attention, so when you are, you do as little as possible to maintain it. You let everyone else do the talking, and you just stand back quietly. Then you realize you haven’t so much as whispered a word in the last 15 minutes. You’re like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, and you begin to wonder if you’re even capable of talking anymore. You clear your throat. Okay so your voice box is still working, now let’s try for an actual sentence.
9. You can’t concentrate on what other people are saying because you’re too preoccupied with your own discomfort.
Someone might be asking you about your most recent career move, and you could just be nodding your head the entire time because all you can think about is how nervous you are. “So you do like your new job?” Huh? Oh, wait what were you saying to me?
10. You never know why or how you came to be the center of attention.
All of the sudden everyone is listening or looking at you, and you have no idea why. Woah, everyone go back to what you were doing. Nothing to see here folks.
11. When the moment of attention is over, it’s on replay in your mind like an overplayed pop song on the Top 100 radio.
Oh my god, was my shirt untucked that entire time? Did I seriously use the word super duper as an adjective? Can’t wait for my next embarrassing moment so that this one is erased from my memory.