21 Things I Was Supposed To Do, But Didn’t, Because I Am Such A Fucking Procrastinator

Younger

1. Mail my rent check.

2. Buy stamps to mail my rent check.

3. I left my stamped, sealed, rent check ready to be mailed sitting on my desk for days but refused to bring it to an actual mailbox.

4. My car has been making a weird noise for months now, but it still works, so I haven’t gotten it looked at.

5. I think I blew out my speakers blasting music in my car so any song with even a tiny bit of bass makes it kind of clank and rattle, and I should probably get that checked out too, but I still play my music at full volume even though it’s twice as obnoxious and doesn’t even sound good.

6. There were only two little bars on my gas meter thingy, but I was running late as usual, so I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best…

7. Any time I’m in bed and have somewhere to go and know I absolutely need to get out right then so I can make it wherever it is I need to be on time, I just…don’t.

8. And usually I need to bring something wherever I’m going because I offered to, like a bottle of wine or whatever, and of course I didn’t take care of it beforehand like a normal person, so I end up being even later because I’m running to Jewel at the last minute.

9. I once was 30 minutes (probably an hour) late to a bridal shower because I went to get a gift the day of, and it was like really busy at Crate & Barrel.

10. I’ve been at my job for over two years and still haven’t finished rolling my old 401K into the new one. Like they mailed me a check, but it sat on my desk for months (probably a year) until it expired, and I just dread sitting on the phone with both companies on hold for god knows how long until they can figure it out, so I just haven’t called…

11. I’ve left clean clothes sitting in a basket for over a week because I didn’t feel like folding them.

12. And I probably only did laundry because I was out of clean socks or underwear…

13. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve left expensive clothes at the dry cleaner because I just didn’t come back for them.

14. Don’t ask me about my dishes. Trust me, you don’t want to know.

15. My doctor’s office called me like once a week for months to remind me to make an appointment for my annual check-up, but I ignore it now like those telemarketers that try to fool you by copying your area code and first three digits of your phone number, just because I don’t feel like getting on a scale or fibstimating how many alcoholic drinks I consume in a week.

16. I need to call my dentist and cancel my appointment for the second time, because there’s something I’d rather do but also because I am too lazy to drive to the suburbs.

17. I’m also too lazy to find a new dentist that is not in the suburbs.

18. I’ll leave invitations on my desk and just totally forget to RSVP, and then someone has to follow up and ask me, and it’s so embarrassing.

19. My TV started acting up at the end of Coco, and all of the black started to turn red, and I’m convinced it’s because that goddamn movie emotionally destroys EVERYTHING. Even electronics with ALL. THE. TEARS…but I still waited two weeks to buy a new one.

20. Somehow I was proactive enough to bring lunch to work, but then I didn’t finish it and left the container in the fridge for longer than I want to admit to, and I knew it was there and thought about just throwing out the container, but then I waited a week and a half longer before disposing of the contents when I hoped no one was looking.

21. I’m even guilty of waiting until I have to pee to run out to the drug store to buy more toilet paper… TC mark

Nicole Stawiarski

I am always late. To everything.

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