1. No Invites
Never ever ask anyone to come over. This is not a Jane Austin BBC period piece where people leave calling cards and pay each other “visits”. Just hit up your group chat with a quick “I’m not in the mood to do anything”, but if they want to like keep you company with their physical presence in a way that does not require anyone to maintain a steady conversation then like that would be cool, or whatever.
2. But RSVPs Are Required
While an official invite isn’t necessary, RSVPs definitely are. How else are you going to know to like shower or clean your apartment (read put on clothes and deodorant and maybe some dry shampoo before shoving all the clothes on your floor into a closet or under the bed)? Advanced notice is also critical because while you’re definitely not leaving the house or accomplishing anything in particular, hostessing requires physical and mental preparation, so you have important things to do beforehand, like napping.
3. If You Bake It, They Will Come
Some people will tell you to plan a menu beforehand, but honestly fuck that noise. If you can put it on a tray in the oven (I’m talking Totino’s pizza rolls, frozen pizzas, chicken nuggets – the works), bitches will eat that shit up. You won’t even be able to finish the phrase “Should I throw some more in?” before someone exclaims “Yesss” in a surprisingly sexual manner. Make sure you stock up on ranch because someone is going to be greedy and drown their feelings in it. Finish the night off with a final course of pull-apart chocolate chip cookies, and you will leave all your guests satisfied and impregnated with food babies.
4. But Takeout Is Always A Crowd Pleaser
If you choose to hire outside help for your event (read order food in), you need to do your homework beforehand so as not to be utterly embarrassed in front of your guests. This means becoming acquainted with every *good* Mexican, Thai, Chinese, Indian, and Drive-Thru restaurant within a 10-mile radius. You need to know which ones deliver, and which ones are worth leaving the house looking a complete hot mess to physically pick-up. You need to have at least two backup Thai places because your favorite one can close down at any minute, and there is nothing more soul-crushing than not having a go-to destination for Pad Khee Mao. Conversely, there is nothing more Millennially opulent, more Kirsten Dunst-snaggletooth-Marie Antoinette-let them eat cake, than having chili dogs delivered to your home. Preferably from Portillo’s if you are #blessed enough to live in Illinois.
5. Impress Them With Alcohol
So you’ve skimped on the food. In this respect Millennial hostessing is a lot like a wedding because you’ll only be remembered for the quality of your open bar. So a wine rack is advisable, dare I say mandatory. Keep it stocked with a variety of bottles so you can flip your hair and instruct your guests to just, “Pick something and I’ll open it.” Throw a few bottles of white and rosé in the fridge for the girls who can’t handle red, some bubbles for that one who needs to be extra even in sweatpants, and a bottle of port for your friend who is “worldly” but has only ever been to Mexico. Last but not least, for the friend who proclaims to be a hardcore feminist but is also obsessed with the royal family, a bottle of Glenlivet next to some Scotch glasses will leave even her intense ass intimidated by your alcoholic superiority.
6. Tablecloths Are For Nerds
Place settings, dinnerware, and serving dishes can all be passed on too. Just make sure you invest in some snazzy decanters. It’s important to let your red wine breathe before you gulp it down like a fish.
7. Save The Thread Count For Blankets
The perfect blanket is large enough to hide under after telling an embarrassing story, during scary movies, while napping through a Hulu commercial break, or just cover your tall friend’s feet. It should be comfortable enough that your guests contemplate wearing said blanket around their bodies like they’re joining the Night’s Watch from Game of Thrones. There should be one for every person present, and then some, but not all blankets are created equal, i.e. friends who are known to spill red wine should be strictly forbidden from touching the designer Ralph Lauren throws…
8. Quantity Over Quality
Sometimes more is just…more. As in the case of candles. Everyone knows the amount you can trust a friend is directly correlated to how many candles they have in their home. So unless it feels like the séance from Now and Then, you’re doing it wrong. Candlelight is also a convenient way to hide the fact that you haven’t dusted in weeks. Everyone will be so focused on how good your place smells they won’t notice how it looks.
9. Let The Neighbors Hear Your Screams
You’ve already made it clear that small talk is not on the agenda. However, everyone needs to participate actively and enthusiastically in their commentary on whatever movie you’re watching or TV show you’re binging. Anyone who doesn’t react to watching a fly land on an eyeball in Westworld is a psychopath, and anyone who has a lukewarm reaction to The Handmaid’s Tale is a serial killer. Ask them to leave immediately. On the other hand, if your neighbors complain that everyone is being too loud while watching commercials for the second season of The Bold Type, you can rest assured you’re in good company.
10. Pass Out
When everyone has sufficiently vented their wine-drunk frustrations at an electronic screen, it’s time for everyone to go the fuck to sleep. Unflattering photos of those who become unconscious first are encouraged.
11. The Morning After Pill
Make sure there’s enough ibuprofen for all your guests the next day, but if resources are limited, save yourself before helping others, because you’re the one who’s going to have to clean everything up anyway. Wash it down with your favorite color Gatorade; you should have one bottle for every two bottles of wine you drank last night. Since being a Millennial hostess means all your earnings go towards wine, blanket, and candle purchases, window treatments clearly aren’t part of the budget, but you can afford enough eye masks to let everyone channel their inner vampire and hide from the sun.