1. I am Lorde. Ya Ya Ya. I am Lorde. Thou shouldst listen to her lyrics. They are great. Thou wast so not this wise at 21. Not even close.
2. Thou shalt not get rid of American Idol ever. It shall remain a staple of terrible broadcast television until the very last cord is cuteth. Thou mayst replace the judges every 5 years with struggling celebrities who are trying to revamp their careers or just experiencing an identity crisis. I looketh at thou, Katy Perry.
3. Thou canst use obscenities as thou seeist fit. Thou shalt, however, keepeth thy language PC. No one liketh a bigot. Okay, Fox News does, but is that really what thou aspirest to?
4. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath day holy (readeth: open to recover from hangovers). Do not maketh plans, unless those plans includeth drinking Gatorade and watching SNL on Hulu.
5. Do not forgeteth to buy thine parents Mother and Father’s Day cards. Thou mayst vote differently than them, but if thou dost, try not to speaketh of it at the dinner table…
6. The only murder thou mayst commit is on the runway, or to chain bar-restaurants of America. #RIPChilisAndApplebees
7. Thou shalt not bang a married person. Well thou canst, but dost thou really want to deal with that much baggage?
8. Thou shalt not steal. We all saw what it did to Winona Ryder’s career. But if thou dost steal, knoweth that thou can maketh thine comeback on Netflix. Oh and speaking of which, thou mayst stick it to the man by sharing thine friends accounts and passwords to stream thine content. This is permitted. Heck, it’s encouraged. #ComcastIsTheDevil
9. Thou mayst fib. Thou mayst ghost. Thou mayst pretend to not have feelings because thou cannot handleth them at the moment, or like, ever. Thou mayst overcompensate with alcoholic beverages – but thou mayst not lie to thyself.
10. Possessions people are noteth. Coveting is a very patriarchal word and no one should useth it, like ever. Love is not meant to be a life sentence. Dealeth better with rejection – the world stoppeth not spinning.