Disclaimer: Yes this article is mostly going to be about my face, but, what can I say? I am a self-obsessed Millennial, so I’m going to talk about it anyway. And while talking about my face on the internet is an invitation for strangers to notice everything wrong with it, let me just preface by saying yes, I know I have a huge forehead, and my front teeth are big. I’ve been told I have low eyelid folds and still have no idea what that means.
But it’s my mug, and however weird it is, it is not an invitation for you to compare me to whatever celebrity you may think I look like, because 99% of the time I definitely do not look like them. If I did, I would probably pull a Talented Mr. Ripley and be making a living masquerading as that individual.
Here is a list of all the celebrities I’ve been compared to, ranked from most to least awkward. You’ll notice, they look nothing like each other either…
I took my dad to a cooking class for his Christmas present this year where we learned how to make gnocchi (aka I signed up to gain 20 lbs.), and one half of the couple we were sitting across from decided to pull out my least favorite phrase, “You know who you look like?”. “Umm me?” I thought to myself, but I was already bracing myself for whatever nonsense was on its way.
When she said Joan Cusack, I mentally was like, “No. Absolutely not.” I know Ms. Cusack is a talented actress, and has been in like every movie, ever, but NO ONE wants to be the mean mom from Raising Helen. No one. We all want to be Kate Hudson, but we’re not that lucky. And don’t even get me started on Kate Hudson, because WHO SHAVES THEIR HEAD when they’ve genetically inherited their hair from GOLDIE HAWN?!?!?! It’s *inhales to continue shrieking* ASININE.
Afterwards I spent an unreasonable amount of time down an IMDB wormhole and found some great pictures of Joan Cusack from the 90s when she was in Addams Family Values or My Blue Heaven. You should check them out.
This one came from a former co-worker, who couldn’t remember Judy Greer’s name, and proceeded to tell me I looked like her by referencing her character on Arrested Development, whose name he also couldn’t remember at first (it’s Kitty Sanchez), so it really just became “you look like the secretary that keeps flashing everyone her tits.” WOAH, right?
Not only was I being compared to an actress I don’t really look like, I was being compared to a character who was made to keep taking her glasses off and on (she was cross-eyed) and put her hair up and down, because Will Arnett’s character didn’t find her attractive. Also, still questioning the flashing comment…
But again, while Judy Greer is a talented actress who’s been in every move, ever, I don’t want to be the mean friend from 13 Going On 30. I want to be Jennifer Garner. Seriously, if I could trade my body in for anyone else’s I would pick Jennifer Garner’s Alias body. That entire show was about her wearing lingerie and wigs that she looked hawt AF in.
The last person I dated got to see all of my childhood pictures, and came up with this one, which I’ll say, is actually the most accurate. I had unfortunate bangs, and very thin hair. I do have to confess I am not a natural blonde, which is the main reason I didn’t actually look like Dakota Fanning. But I will accept this comparison because Dakota Fanning has been in multiple movies with my favorite actress, Kristen Stewart.
In my ideal world, I would have mastered the KStew “just rolled out of bed, threw on some glasses, and still have more sex appeal in my pinky finger than you do in your entire body” look from Clouds of Sils Maria, but alas, I have not and probably never will, but I try to soften the blow by blaming it on the fact that I don’t need glasses. Nonetheless, I do have my own look called “just rolled out of bed, realized I was extremely late for brunch, faked having it together by putting on lipstick, and am about to have more blood alcohol in my pinky finger than an adult should have in their entire body.”
This comparison is in my top two, and I don’t remember who said it to me first. Amanda Seyfried is very pretty, so again, I’ll take it, but unfortunately for me, I don’t think I look like her. This is also a compliment that has gotten better with age, like a fine wine that has finally distanced itself from its Mean Girls origins.
She’s done Nicholas Sparks, sang in Momma Mia, and got to act with that animated bear in Ted 2 – solid career. The only way I could try and one-up this celebrity comparison is by asking, is it better to make-out with Megan Fox, or just be Megan Fox? and I don’t think that’s a question any secure Millennial woman can answer.
Top of the top, Serena van der Woodsen herself, I honestly don’t know how I got lucky enough to be compared to the second Mrs. Ryan fucking Reynolds, but I hope that whoever it was that made the comparison has since found a way to pay for lasik, because while I would love to look like Blake Lively, I really don’t.
If it was socially acceptable to go through life in a tartan skirt and half-tied tie, aka her uniform from Gossip Girl, it would most definitely be my outfit of choice, but then I’d have to have to sit correctly in a skirt, and who has time for that? Also it’s cold as a bitch in Chicago, and skirts are for people who don’t care about not feeling their legs.
Moral of the story, if you see me on the street, I probably can’t feel my face, so don’t tell me who it reminds you of.