To Whom It May Concern (The Producers of Big Little Lies 2):
While I may not technically have a name, because I am an inanimate object, I would like to formally introduce myself, since this is a professional letter, as Shailene Woodley’s Pillowcase.
I have been employed by Ms. Woodley (whom I refer to affectionately, the intimate nature of our relationship being considered, as Shay-Shay) for the past five years. Ms. Woodley selected me, out of all the pillowcases in the world, an artisanal blend of wholly vegan, organic, GMO-free hemp and burlap because, as I’m sure you are aware, she is a crazy-hippy earth-child.
I am writing you today, because it has come to my attention that HBO has renewed Big Little Lies for a second season, and I am, of course, nothing but pleased beyond words for the good fortune of my most beloved employer, and I wish her nothing but success in this future endeavor.
However, on the off chance that the ink has not quite dried on Ms. Woodley’s contract, I would like to, most humbly, request the minutest of clauses into said document:
If it’s not too much trouble, would you please require that Ms. Woodley wash her hair, regularly, as part of her commitment to the performance?
Include it in the character sheet. Explain to her that Jane has undergone a transformation between seasons, via a bottle of Herbal Essences, and that it is of the utmost importance that she embody this change, physically, via WASHING HER FUCKING HAIR.
*Blushes in shame*
My sincerest apologies for using such vulgar language. I am but a coarse piece of fabric that someone decided to sew together and stick a pillow inside of.
I admit, as I’m sure you have by now deduced, that this request is of a most personal nature. I am certain that you, esteemed sirs and madams, have never stuck your faces into a mane of dirty hair and inhaled deeply, as I have been forced to do, night after night, but assuming such refined personages as yourselves are in possession of functioning imaginations, I am assured you can empathize with my sad, sad plight, and it’s most painful nature.
Bodily excretions are quite potent fluids, and even after Ms. Woodley leaves to perform her daily roles and responsibilities as an artiste, the unpleasant odors of her unwashed hair linger in my fibers in her absence, and I am subjected to a life of perpetually wading in her filth, the reason for which, my relationship with her bathroom hand-towel came to a tragic end. Because of this I implore you for your assistance; even the simplest of linens are entitled to their romantic inclinations.
I want to clarify that it is my last intention to speak ill of my dearest Shay-Shay, who is anything but the most committed actress of her generation. I know, for it is I that hear her mumbling in her sleep, refining characters from roles past. Many a restless night have I have heard her lamenting, “China has alopecia!”, over and over, in an homage to her ground-breaking role as Kaitlin Cooper on The O.C., and I honestly don’t know if you can get more method than that.
I understand that it may be a productional concern for the more senior actresses be portrayed in the most attractive light possible, and while it would be impossible for me to comment negatively on Ms. Woodley’s appearance (despite my olfactory concerns), I can assure you that requiring Shailene to practice, what is considered by most, a standard hygienic ritual, could never cast a negative light or shadow on either Ms. Witherspoon or Ms. Kidman (Ms. Kidman especially being an un-aging gazelle amongst women).
If you could find it in your generous hearts to grant this simple request, I assure you it will have a tremendous impact on my insignificant life, and I sincerely thank you for your time and consideration.
If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me via Ms. Woodley’s cleaning lady, Martha.
Shailene Woodley’s Pillowcase