1. The Obi-Wan
Their eyes are darting around the room, anxiously scanning for a potential partner, when they land on you. You’ve never seen someone this visibly thirsty in your life. Or is it hungry? Because they’re staring at you like a piece of meat. Except it’s a piece of meat they’re not super thrilled about eating. You are basically the New Year’s equivalent of a Chicken McNugget. Sure it’s already 11:45, but they will use every Jedi mind-trick in the book to convince you to kiss them in those last crucial fifteen minutes. You won’t be proud of yourself, because this is all v desperate, but at the end of the day you’re both each other’s Last Hope.
2. The E.T.
This one comes from far away, and you’re always down for a brief fling with a foreigner. But omg they think you’ve made a connection because you asked a few thoughtful questions about soccer, and now they’ve asked for your phone number, which you give them because you haven’t thought of a polite way out of this situation ever. Ugh, and then they want to know if you can help them get home because their phone is dead, so you call them an Uber, but that means you need to also give them your Venmo so they can repay you for your kindness, and suddenly this is a very hot mess. You have to meet up with them at least one more time to not feel like a complete asshole, but you only do it wearing the hood of your sweatshirt securely fastened around your face so no one can identify you in public.
3. The Bugs Bunny
They were funny. They were charming. You met next to the crudité table. But you didn’t notice their gigantic teeth until they kept colliding with yours as you kissed, and their breath tastes like carrots. You silently pray to be hit over the head with an oversized mallet, putting an end to this misery. When they ask why things didn’t work out, you tell them you don’t think you can be with a vegetarian.
4. The Telenovela
To everyone else watching, this looks like the best make-out ever. And it probably is for whoever you’re kissing, because you’ve pulled out all the stops this time. All the best moves you’re known for. Your head keeps finding the perfect angles. Tongue action is on point. Hands are on faces, on necks, in hair. Passion seems to be oozing out of all your pores, and all of the single people who didn’t find someone to kiss want to murder you both. It’s overkill. But you are literally feeling nothing. It’s all just an act. You could be making out with a CPR dummy for all you know. But you pretend like you’re filming the reboot of Rebelde, and let everyone enjoy the show. Thalía would be proud.
5. The Sixth Sense
Something about their lips is giving you a weird feeling. You’re not quite sure if they’re dead or alive. They’re like barely moving, and it’s like kissing a fish. And the drink they “made” you has a weird Pine-Sol-ey taste to it. You end the night projectile vomiting everywhere a lá Mischa Barton.
6. The Others
It’s the end of December so of course you’ve got a cold, and can only breathe through one side of your nose. This just happens to be the side of your nose they keep smashing their nose into, cutting off your air supply. They keep enthusiastically shoving their tongue down your throat, so mouth breathing is also off the table. They are so into it, but it feels like Nicole Kidman is smothering you with a pillow, and you’re just waiting to die.