The last few Sundays have gone something like this: my friends host a Game of Thrones viewing party, during which I’m either shh-ing everyone if I feel polite that day, straight up telling everyone to “SHUT UP” because who uses manners with their best friends, or declaring my love for Cersei Lannister. To which my friends consistently respond: “What is WRONG with you? NO ONE likes her.”
Well, I have a few things to say in response. Publicly. On the internet. Mostly because I have a feeling she won’t be with us much longer, and I always guess the the endings of TV shows and movies right (except for that one time I was home sick from work and watched The Handmaiden). Cersei, consider this my heart-felt eulogy in advance:
1. I actually know what her name is.
Nearly all of my conversations about this show involve nicknames or references to other televisions shows, so remembering someone’s name is a big deal.
“The redhead. No. The other redhead. Ohmygod how many redheads are on this show?! Not that one; the one from Downton Abbey. You never watched Downton? What is wrong with YOU?!”
“They’re going to kill the grandma? This. Is. Heinous. Who kills a grandma?”
“I can’t believe she is breaking up with her hot bf from Orphan Black. This was the one time I was actually glad they recast a character on this show.”
2. She is the first woman to sit on the Iron Throne.
To all of the women who voted for Hillary – I know we all cried when she addressed the little girls of America in her concession speech. So why don’t you like Cersei? Is she too cold? Too bossy? Do you not like her PERSONALITY?!?!
3. She has no friends.
But really. I hope she at least has a diary she writes in when she’s drinking all of that wine alone like:
Dear Diary – Today Tommen jumped out of his window. I can’t deal with those creepy eye rocks anymore, so we cremated him. I don’t think Jamie wants me ever since the Shame Lady cut off all my hair. By far the WORST thing that has happened to me this year.
4. She is STILL a trendsetter.
While I feel strongly that America is plagued with the epidemic that is Celebrity Head Shaving, Cersei is making the best of it. Numerous fan blogs have pointed out that Sansa is rocking a throwback Cersei-do, and this week we saw her maid/dopplegänger.
5. She is the closest HBO could get to Keira Knightly.
Speaking of dopplegängers, Lena Headey could totally pass for my second favorite Brit – after Kate Middleton of course. She is being pursued by a dirty pirate-man, much like Johnny Depp; however her acting career in the past few years has faired a little better.
6. She has the best accent in the goddamn show.
I know. It’s really fun to say “You know nuthing Jon Snow” and “Winter is cooming!” I do at least twenty times in the span of an hour each Sunday. But seriously, if someone in this show had to read me a bedtime story I would pick Cersei. I would pay money to learn to speak this well, unless I could speak like Audrey Hepburn. That is saying something.
7. She throws mad shade.
Always. Sometimes a woman just needs to speak her mind.
8. You people have double standards.
If you feel sorry for Sansa and Arya and Khalessi (Look I know her real name is Daenerys) and all the other women who have been oppressed by the motherfucking patriarchy on this show, and you DON’T feel bad for Cersei, I am making this face at you. Right now.
9. Being nice gets you nowhere in Westeros.
I know some of you will say, “But what about Jon Snow?” He died. Magic isn’t real. If this show were a little more realistic he’d still be dead. On a sidenote, yes, I know there are dragons…
10. All the GIFs.
You’ll never need another emoji again.