6 People Who Should Absolutely Be Put On The No Fly List
By Nicole Smoot
1. Roll-y bag people.
Trust me; I get it. You don’t want to pay the $25 to check a bag. I hate that airlines charge for checked bags now, too. But it pisses me off when in the rare event that I am traveling with an item and I do need to use the overhead, but I cannot because all 50 lbs of your precious clothing needs to be in there in a suitcase taking up the whole goddamn space. Oh and not to mention you have another 30 lbs have shit jammed into a bag and stuffed into the storage area under your feet. My God, pay the $25 or get an airline credit card to waive it, you cheap bastard. And you know what pisses me off all of the time with roll-y bag people? How long it takes them to get their stupid bag stuffed into the overhead. If it’s too god damn heavy to quickly and efficiently lift over your head and slide right in, you probably are traveling with far too much shit.
2. People who stampede the line when the plane starts boarding.
Really? You’re in a hurry to get on the metal tube you’ll be trapped on for the next 6 hours? It drives me crazy when everyone gets up and stands around in the way. WAIT UNTIL THEY CALL YOUR BOARDING ZONE!! Don’t push the mom and her babies, and the wheelchair bound old man (who all do need a little more time to get situated) out of the way because YOU think YOU ARE special and should be seated first. And I’m sure your happy ass will be the first to stampede all your fellow travelers when said metal tube lands.
3. The belligerent asshole pissing and moaning about all the babies and children on the plane.
Hello asshat. None of us want to listen to them scream. But we also don’t want to listen to you bitch about it on top of it all. Usually your moans are much louder than the screaming of the kids anyways. Plus, don’t put more undo stress on top of what those parents are going through knowing they are about to be trapped on a plane with a small human that they have next to no control over. I rarely see a kid out of control on an airplane without a parent taking every dire measure trying to calm them. If the parent is not watching their child and letting it freely run around, scream, yell, chant verses from a cult worship book, fighting with siblings, or kick the back of your seat without discipline, then you have a legitimate reason to bitch and whine.
I am not a parent and have limited child experience, but what I do know is that kids are fairly irrational human beings with little control (although it gets better as they age) over their emotions. And if a parent is doing everything humanly possible to control and keep their child happy and quiet on a flight, don’t be the asshole who puts more stress on them. You’re an adult, so act like one.
4. Overly drunk people.
I love to have a drink or two before or even on my flight. But don’t get shit-faced. And especially, don’t get wasted if you have a seat in the exit aisle. Because you’ll probably get mad at the flight attendant for kindly asking you to switch seats with another passenger because you are quite obviously too drunk to be in the exit aisle in the event of emergency. Then you’ll get sat down next to me and the poor 18-year-old coming back from a semester of college having a nice conversation. And it’s going to get more awkward when you drunkenly interject into our conversation about how much of a bitch the flight attendant is for moving you for being too drunk. But your sentence actually sounded like ” I’m not tOOO derunk. Shesabitchsh. I paid…… esxtera furthit seat. Whodoesshetheensheis? I had… ONE derinkha.”
5. The oh-so-in-love making out, softcore porn couple.
Jesus, can you not wait until you get to your hotel room? I mean most of it I can tolerate: holding hands, non tongue involved kissing. But when there is a make-out session, spit swapping, and heavy petting going on in the two seats next to me?!? Stop being filthy animals and wait until after the 4 hour flight to grope each other. Our thighs are touching and I wasn’t planning to partake in a threesome today and you make me want slit my own wrists with an in-flight-meal provided spork.
6. The guy blaring Skrillex as loud as his laptop will go.
I get it; I love dub step too. I love lots of music. But don’t blare it at max! I was on a plane once where the attendant had to repeatedly ask a man to turn the volume down. He’d turn it down until the attendant walked away and he’d turn it right back up. He was playing Skrillex and the ENTIRE airplane could hear it. It wasn’t like he was quietly listening to it, or even listening to it at a normal volume. This was ear deafeningly loud. It was ridiculous. Sir, have you not heard of headphones? And if not, they sell them for $5.