13 Reasons Why I Need Wine As A Mom

Thomas Martinsen

1. It’s my “yelling medicine.”

2. Because no amount of Clorox can bleach away the near permanent pee stains that surround my toilet.

3. To celebrate my baby’s 2nd birthday, my subconscious decided to take me on an REM trip through my vivid memories of his birth. And, thanks to a large mirror that my midwife so kindly put by my feet, the clear, unedited view I had of his enormous head stretching it’s way through my vagina. There are some things you just can’t unsee. (Without wine, that is.)

4. Wine dulls all of your senses, including smell. This should really count as 6 or 7 reasons.

5. Think of the job loss that would occur if the wine industry lost all of their revenue from mom sales. I’m doing it for America. (Or at least California. And possibly several regions in France, Italy, and Australia. It’s global altruism at its finest. You’re welcome, World.)

6. The poop never stops coming. It really never stops.

7. I just hosted a sleepover party for 8-year-old girls. I’ve earned this glass.

8. It helps me forget all the people I want to punch in the face.

9. My son is currently obsessed with listing all of the items in our house that we wouldn’t want a balloon to touch. It makes much more sense after a couple glasses of wine.

10. Every time I go to kiss my 5-year-old, he sticks out his tongue at the last second so it feels like I’m frenching him. I have promised to tell this story to every girlfriend he ever brings home.

11. If you think that’s bad, the last time I changed the baby’s diaper, he very politely asked me to blow on his butthole.

12. No amount of anxiety medication can erase the trauma I experienced from the biological disaster that the baby left in his diaper.

13. Because I’m mom, and I said so. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog