I’m sitting in silence and I know you think there’s something wrong. You’re not far off. I want to scream. I want to cry. My heart feels like it’s being strangled underneath my ribs, begging for air. I’m constantly biting my tongue, terrified that if my lips were to open, the words would tumble out. I’ve given you everything, and the barrier between saying “yes” to getting coffee and telling you that I love you is the only thing that I have left.
I’ve been lucky enough to have been in love before, multiple times, but it was always with people who have returned the sentiment. When I said the words it was always as a response to their own confessions. I’m in new territory now. You’ve rattled me to the very core. I’m generally a smiling and happy person but all of a sudden I’ve built up walls and closed myself off to even laughing because I’m scared that between each chuckle I’ll tell you that I love you.
My heart physically hurts containing the words. Every crooked smile you shoot my way has me blushing behind my bangs. Every time you stroll over to me my heart swells with so much love that I have to avert my eyes because I’m convinced they’ll reveal the truth. I know you get concerned when I become quiet, but it’s only because I don’t trust the words that I might utter to not be a confession of my love for you.
So instead of saying it, instead of letting you know how I feel, I’m writing it down.
I love when
I love when we’re tangled up in each other on the couch.
I love when we silently stare out onto the New York skyline.
I love when you do whatever possible to make me laugh.
I love when use the toothbrush you left at my place.
I love when you protest when I stop tracing my fingers along your body.
I love when you text me to wake up in the morning just so we can chat.
I love when you tuck me under your arm when we’re falling asleep.
I love when you pout.
I love when you call your mom.
I love how
I love how you love mercilessly tickling me.
I love how you lazily pull me against your warmth in the morning.
I love how you worry about me.
I love how you look when you’re hungover and wearing your glasses.
I love how smiley you get when you can’t conceal how excited you are for food.
I love you when you sheepishly love playing with my cat even though you insist you hate cats.
I love you
I love the way your eyes strip away any vulnerabilities.
I love you more than I have ever loved another man.
I love you in the most selfless, heart wrenching way possible
I love you so much it’s killing me.
So now my heart aches just a little less. Maybe I’ll be able to finally catch my breath. Maybe now I can speak without filtering every thought. Maybe one day I’ll actually tell you that I love you.