I’m in love with being single. The freedom to come and go as I please with no questions asked. No one to check with before I make plans. Knowing that every time I leave my house I might potentially meet someone who could become my someone. What an exhilarating feeling. This whole being single thing is quite new to me. I never dated in high school. The truth of the matter is; I never even kissed anyone in high school. I was such a shy weirdo. Making eye contact with a boy scared the shit out of me, never mind getting my boobs fondled or having another tongue in my mouth. Now that I’m a woman, a single woman — I’m free to be fondled and can put my tongue in whoever’s mouth I want, whenever I want to. It’s a rush sometimes. Can you imagine? I literally have the ability to walk into a place and pick pretty much any man I want to talk to (or possibly more) and just do it. Although I haven’t really exercised that ability much yet, I know that I own that power and it’s a pretty wicked feeling.
I thought that I would be miserable as a single person. For someone so young, I was such a natural at being domestic. In those moments I enjoyed being that way. Dinner’s ready, laundry is done, here’s a beer, let’s have sex! Repeat for what feels like an eternity. Jesus. Just putting that into words makes me cringe. What a silly assumption to think that I wouldn’t be happy as an individual defined by no one but myself. Answering to no one but myself. Responsible for no one’s happiness but my own. I’ve never felt so content, sexy or alive. It’s like I’ve just woken up from a coma and I’m catching up on all of the important things I’ve missed out on. I often find myself dancing or singing along to my iTunes in public. I hysterically laugh out loud at texts or cute dogs wearing coats or Snapchats when I’m on the train. Sometimes my impetuous behavior is contagious and I catch people smiling or laughing with me, even though they have no idea what I find so amusing. Sometimes people look at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I am. It’s all relative. The human emotion evoked, even if it’s just for a moment.
If my energy had a voice she would say; “Hello everyone, here I am, whether you like it or not. This is me. I love myself and I’m real.”
I talk in accents, make weird Instagram videos and over share my opinions and experiences all over the place without fear of being judged. Because, who are you to judge me? Why is expressing or sharing or asking questions that aren’t necessarily considered “normal” so scary and unacceptable to most people? Specifically things that are emotional or sexual. These things are a part of life and they happen all the time so why do we have to hide them or be ashamed of them? I refuse. I can’t imagine living a boring, mediocre life where I couldn’t express myself freely or had to work to impress boring, mediocre people on a regular basis in order to gain some sort of fake social acceptance because that’s what I’m told is normal. How can something so forced and unnatural be considered normal?
I just want to be around people I love who accept me for who I am and don’t question why I do the things that I do. People that I don’t have to fill awkward silences with because they know I’m more awkward than any moment of silence. I want to go home with someone in the early hours of the morning, and leave the next day with a smile on my face, no qualms or expectations. I want to write about how I feel and share my experiences because they are important to me and I’m not ashamed of them. I want to live.
I am young, wild and free and completely comfortable with every square inch of my body, mind and soul. Living in the moment and being true to myself are no longer things I occasionally come across on a Pinterest board and wonder what that feels like. They are a way of my life.