I’ve gotten into tinder lately. It’s so unlike me, but its oddly addicting, and I have honestly talked to some interesting people. Whether they’re real or not, I’ll never know, but hey, it’s been a good time. I think every single girl should download this app, if only for the ego boost and entertainment. I’ve never laughed like I did when I got a message from a match who used the pickup line, “Are you made of snow? Because I’d love to plow you.” C’mon, it’s pretty entertaining. With my new addiction, I’ve realized that certain rules apply. I’m sure these differ for everyone, but the 7 below seem pretty solid and universal. We may be on Tinder for shits and giggles, or we may be there to find our one true love, but either way, work with us a little bit.
Not being clear about who you are
If all of your pictures are group pictures, I will swipe left. No if, ands, or butts. I don’t care if every single male in the group is drop dead gorgeous. I’m not putting enough effort into distinguishing which boy is the constant in all the pictures and hoping and praying it’s you and not the mess of a man that’s all the way to the right. Even worse, if it’s a group shot where only one person looks like someone I could be into. Either you’re that one person (good for you), or you’re hiding among the group hoping girls think you’re the one attractive member of your social group. Let’s not start our relationship like that. We all know you have a solo shot; tinder is the place to use it.
Not being clear about your relationship status
Girl friends. Girls who are in your pictures in such a way that people think they are your girlfriend. No-no poses include: prom-style, piggyback rides, being kissed on the cheek, and hand low on the hip (there are many more; use your judgment). Let’s be honest, I don’t know if the girl is your sister, best friend, cousin, or some girl you met on the street, but if she’s showing up in every one of your profile pictures, I’m going to assume she’s your girlfriend, and I am not about to cause some relationship drama or be “the other girl”. I’m classier than that.
Not showing your face
If your head is cut off in all your pictures, or you’re always wearing a helmet, or your pictures are only of your back, I’m going to go ahead and assume you have something to hide and I want nothing to do with you. I’m awful with technology, but I can still somehow manage to crop a picture without decapitating myself and I’m sure you can do the same. The whole premise of tinder is judging people based off their pictures, so give me something to work with here.
Posting pictures of other people’s babies
This one’s probably just me, but if your bio has to say “not my kid!” I’m going to tap out. I get it. You’re tying to show your soft and sensitive side without scaring off girls who are afraid of the commitment of a child, but don’t objectify some child you supposedly love by posting his/her photos on Tinder. I love babies, but you’ll still get a no.
Only having one picture
This screams two things for me: 1) “I would like to catfish you”, or “I’m ugly and this picture is either not even of me or if it is, is the product of an amazing angle with some great Photoshop.” You should post more than one picture, just out of courtesy. It’s polite, and I’m sure you’ll get more matches if people know what you actually look like and aren’t afraid you’re some pre-teen sitting home alone making fun of lonely adults.
Gym mirror selfies
I struggle to find a time where this is okay. Tinder related or not. Maybe it’s different for girls, but I never finish a work out and go “let me lift up my shirt and take a picture of my reflection in a mirror”. I guess guys don’t get disgusting hair and makeup melting post-workout, but I’m not impressed by these kids of pictures unless your Jared from Subway and have lost a shit ton of weight (you should not put that comparison on tinder either, as great as it is, sorry). As much as I like to stare at your washboard abs, I’m going to swipe left mainly because your mirror selfie portrays you as a narcissistic gym rat. Don’t you want me to like you for more than your body? I hope so. Mirror selfies are a slippery slope; mirror selfies at the gym will get you a certain no.
Drinking in every picture
This probably goes without saying, but you holding bottles of expensive alcohol in every single one of you pictures is not half as impressive as you think it is. I love a good time, and I know that the bottle of Ketel in your hand is high quality and expensive, but put it down for a picture or two because I’m starting to think all you do is drink, and drink a lot. This rule probably doubles if your bio says, ‘college graduate’ or you list your job and it sounds legit. Be an adult. Put down the bottle for a picture. You’re not fooling anyone, my friend – you’re really just making me swipe left.