Six Pack Abs? Think Again. Women Just Want To Have Sex With Their Dads.

It’s called DadBod and it’s the hottest new trend in telling people what to look like. It seems the days of six pack abs, or even a healthy BMI, are completely over. Women everywhere are going nuts for men who just let it all go, develop a beer gut from excessive alcohol consumption, and ultimately begin to resemble the man all women secretly want to fuck: their father.

“Who wants to date a guy that’s in shape anymore?” asked some girl from some college. “I want a guy so out of shape that when he takes off his shirt, someone at the AHA gets fired. One of those bloated sausage men from the Pepto-Bismol commercials that sit at the end of the diner counter and tell the waitress about their diarrhea. You know, like my dad.”

What is DadBod exactly? The consensus seems to indicate that DadBod is the body type of any man that stopped taking care of himself after high school. That is to say, it’s the majority of male bodies. Go outside, look around, collect a sample of male bodies in your gaze, DadBod is the mean.

But what caused this Freudian trend? Is it the result of changing attitudes towards body-types? Is it a move in the right direction, towards acceptance and, eventually, racial and gender equality? Or is it something different? Could it be true, after all, that women just want to have sex with their fathers?

“Gross no!” said a friend. “I just want a guy that’s chill. I like chill guys. If you’re in bad shape, it means you’re probably chill.”

“Yeah, exactly,” said another friend. “Chill guys who just want to stay in bed and watch Netflix. That’s what we want. Not our fathers. I would totally have no problem dating an obese man who sat around the house all day.”

“For me it started with Chris Pratt,” said a girl on Twitter. “He was hot in Guardians of the Galaxy, so I went online to find pictures of him and I found out he used to be fat, which I was also okay with because at that point I had already decided that I accepted him for his personality, in Guardians of the Galaxy.”

“Plus he’s on Amy Poehler’s show,” said another girl. “So you know he’s probably a feminist and he has good opinions. He’s also really funny. He’s probably exactly like the fictional character he portrays on television.”

“There’s just something about Seth Rogan,” said another Facebook commenter. “I’m really into the way he’s fat. It makes it seem like if we dated, we could just hang out and watch Netflix. You know, like in his mansion that he lives in, with his millions of dollars that he has because he’s a celebrity.”

“Leonardo DiCaprio still looks good,” says another girl, referencing the former pretty-boy turned beach goblin. “I loved him as a little girl back when he was a heart-throb, and I still love him now. Unless you know, he like lost all his money somehow or was just a regular man with a torso that looked like someone dropped a Cinnabon on the floor.”

For better or worse, DadBod is here to stay, and it’s certainly not just women being attracted to a handful of extremely visible, powerful celebrities. Women want to fuck their dads, and it’s great that we’re finally able to accept that.