Well guys, I’m a convert! I’m officially a Crossfitter now! I’ve been crossfitting for two months and I am stronger, more powerful, and more confident than ever. Unfortunately, however, Crossfit isn’t free. It costs 300 dollars a month, which is well worth the price, but I need to get some free months in by referring people, and I figured I’d turn to my loyal fans here on Thought Catalog.
Now, I know, this sounds like I’m selling out – just offering up my identity to the highest bidder – but I swear folks, Crossfit is fucking great and you’re gonna love it. Trust me.
You see folks, Crossfit is great because it works. It’s like steroids for your muscles. Are you tired of being a computer pussy who works at an office for pussies? Making pussy copies at the pussy machine all day? Organizing pussy spreadsheets with your buttery delts and droopy lats? Your whole posterior chain looking like a big ole pussy with your dopey no-muscle head as the clit? Not anymore, fatso. Get the fuck in here and change your life. Change your mind. Change the way you think about fitness.
Everyone’s done push ups. But have you ever done pushups with a nude man strapped to your back? What if we set the man on fire? And instead of water, you have to drink peanut butter. Sound cool? Guess what: you don’t have time to answer. You only get 30 seconds to complete 10 reps before we tie a rope to your dick and make you drag a Chevy small block across a tennis court.
That’s right we don’t do regular gym shit. No ellipticals, no machines, no bullshit. Every single Crossfit exercise is named after a Balkan state. That’s how you know they work. Know where Montenegro is? Yeah. I don’t either. But I know how they use 30lb kettle bells as brass knuckles and punch each other in the ass and call it squats. I know that because it’s what we do here at Crossfit. It’s how we cool down after a set of Serbian Good Mornings on the Croat Pyramid.
We’re all about functional strength at Crossfit. No one here is looking for “show muscles” – those big, sculpted muscles that just look good to the opposite gender but can’t help you in real life situations like when you need to lift a giant tire 50 times or throw a piece of lead 30 yards while balancing on a big inflatable ball. Functional strength is all about building strength that you can actually use in your life. What good is a big set of biceps when you’re trying to repair your deck and suddenly a big foam block is in your way and you have to jump on top of it without using your hands? You think yoga will be of any benefit when you’re at work, and your boss comes in, and he says, “Quick! I need someone to come into my office and wave this giant rope at me for fifteen minutes!”
You see those rings on the ceiling of the warehouse we lift in? No, they’re not up there so you can kill yourself after a really intense workout. They’re there to build that functional strength, training you to whip yourself around the goddamn place like an ape or a paraplegic trying to escape a house fire. Normal gyms will just tell you to do chin-ups on a bar, but here at Crossfit, nothing is that simple. Nothing is easy. Nothing is cheap. Because difficult plus expensive is the only path to success.
Are you ready to challenge yourself? Are you ready to stop being a complete piece of shit that everyone hates because they can’t squat like an emotionally crippled state-owned athlete from the eastern bloc? Are you ready to get over your divorce? Then find your nearest Crossfit and sign up now, and make sure to let them know Nicole sent ya. That’s the most important part, by the way. The part where I get the referral bonus.