Men. Ugh. Is there anything they won’t ruin with their penises? It seems like every day I’m reading about some new aspect of my life that I didn’t realize was destroyed by men. Can’t use public transportation anymore because some man will spread his legs. Can’t go to the library anymore because men will shush me when I’m speaking my mind. Can’t go to Sizzler’s anymore because men refused to patronize it and it went out of business. I loved Sizzlers, and I loved to get drunk at the library. Thanks a lot, men.
And the latest thing I can no longer enjoy is going to movies. My night at the theater was ruined thanks to a disgusting trailer for the upcoming Entourage film that you have to sit through before you can watch the extremely feminist, anti-man film Mad Max: Fury Road.
First of all, fuck Entourage. I hate those boys. I hate Turtle. I hope Turtle dies. I don’t know why they made a movie. Eight seasons was already nine too many. Forget cancelling Entourage, they should have cancelled Mark Wahlberg.
But men control the media. So instead of seeing a trailer for Sex In The City 3: Menopause On Mars, I had to sit through two minutes of Kevin Dillon’s sexist bullshit (the man has done for the fedora what Hitler did with the Charlie Chaplin mustache), two minutes of Piven’s head bobbling around while he has fake cell phone conversations, and an additional thirty seconds of Wahlberg’s shitty, perpetually surprised eyebrows that look like they’ve been chewed off by a rat.
But then the worst thing happened. Literally the worst thing possible. Ronda Rousey showed up in the preview for the Entourage movie, and while I’m pleased to see that she’s getting some well-deserved acting work, I was heartbroken that she chose to partake in such a man-filth project like Entourage.
Recently I’ve been getting really into mixed martial arts because of Rousey. Honestly, when it was just men, I thought MMA was stupid, but when Rousey uses her Judo skills to break the arms of other women, there’s something incredibly empowering about it. It makes me proud, and I feel empowered to see women hurt each other for money. And Rousey is the best at choking out other women and punching them in the face.
But men can’t just let Ronda Rousey do a really awesome cool chick thing and be powerful while using her fists to crush the orbital bone of another female. They have to make it about sex. They have to sexualize her, which is a form of violence against women.
And of course, that’s exactly what they did in the Entourage trailer. They had to man-ruin Ronda Rousey with Entourage. I hope Adrien Grenier gets testicular cancer.
In the trailer, Turtle makes a deal with Rousey that if he can last three minutes in the ring with her, she has to go on a date with him. Nevermind the fact that dating is a form of rape, why can’t a woman just be a spectacle of violence without a man waltzing in and trying to cum all over it? Can’t we have anything?
Can’t we just live in a world where monetized violence can be marketed to both genders without it having to be a sexual gimmick when it’s for women?
No, we can’t. Not as long as they keep making shit like Entourage.