Killing Tsarnaev Will Only Increase His Sexy Bad Boy Image

On Friday a federal jury deliberated for 15 hours and returned with a verdict: Dzokhar “Jahar” Tsarnaev, the 21 year old dreamboat behind the Boston Marathon bombing, would face the death penalty for his crimes. Media reaction was swift and varied. Some opposed the death penalty on moral principle. Others worried that perhaps killing Jahar will make a martyr of him and inspire future radicalism. A small minority of death penalty fans were just excited that once again we’d be able to use tax dollars to kill someone. But most passionate was the response from the #FreeJahar movement, a cabal of teen girls obsessed with the sexy bad boy, not because they spoke up in outrage at the decision, but because of their powerful silence. Overwhelmed with emotion, the teen girls who love Jahar and want him released cannot bring themselves to comment on his fate. Is it because they finally realize that falling in love with a terrorist because he looks like he plays lacrosse makes them dumb, and that they are dumb people? Or is it because, with his sentencing, Jahar has transcended sexy bad boy and become a full blown sexy bad man?

It’s the latter, folks. The teen girls are swooning harder than ever. He’s become a martyr for pussy.

Before the death penalty sentencing, Jahar was just your run-of-the-mill bad boy. A Taylor Lautner type, or like Bart Simpson if Bart were real and had committed one of the worst terrorist attacks in American history, leaving children dead and others horribly scarred and permanently injured for the rest of their lives. Naturally, teen girls couldn’t resist falling in love with him, and shortly after his arrest, they began campaigning to #FreeJahar in an attempt to win his heart, change him, and kiss him in the rain or whatever.

But bad boys grow up, enter the world of men, filled with DadBods and rugged features, where being bad doesn’t mean shit, and their resilient boyishness becomes a source of emasculation. Take Justin Bieber for example; he was an excellent bad boy. He’s a pathetic man. Grown women aren’t attracted to Justin Bieber because he was easy to outgrow. There’s nothing bad about that shitty mustache. There’s nothing sexy about his shitty tattoos. He can do all the little pushups he wants, he’ll never be a bad man.

Jahar however, is now a Death Row inmate. By killing him, we’re allow him to transition into full blown sexy bad man, whereas the ultimate punishment would have been to allow him to mature naturally and embarrass himself as he tries to assert his masculinity throughout adulthood. Imagine if we could have pardoned him and subjected him to the mental torture of being a Shia LeBeouf type? Doing pushups and getting a bunch of shitty tattoos, trying to distance himself from his childish terrorist attacks of his youth?

And let’s not forget how poorly this reflects on the young white women who love him. They are society’s most precious, most endangered individuals. As they are completely incapable of thinking or feeling for themselves, they are under constant assault from the media. Look this way, says one ad. Weigh this much, says another. Fall in love with a terrorist who murdered women in children, says some other thing in the media that’s somehow men’s fault. These young girls aren’t responsible for their love of Jahar, but it certainly does make them look bad.

It’s too late now, I suppose. Soon enough, the teen’s silence will break, and we’ll see a surge of young new Jahar fans, calling for his release so they may kiss and hold him at the movies forever.