Well it’s Earth Day again. The liberal equivalent of Christmas. It’s like Easter for people who love to kiss and hug garbage. People whose only contribution to society – at best – will be the marginal addition of new types of granola. People who like to let old vegetables rot in their backyard so that the whole neighborhood has to smell as bad as their unwashed armpits. Disgusting people. Nature people.
Don’t get me wrong; I understand that the Earth is important. We’re trapped here until technology provides us with a way to live in space, where the possibilities for pollution are endless. But Earth isn’t that special. It’s just what we’re familiar with, and frankly, isn’t being a liberal all about taking the familiar and shitting all over it and calling it problematic? Isn’t the whole point of being progressive that you take the status quo and call it bad with whatever tenuously strung together arguments you think people will click on? Where are the think pieces telling us we should rethink how good Earth is? Why are we undervaluing the other planets? We let Pluto die, and no one said anything. Imagine if Pluto had been a white man. We’d still have 9 planets.
So why the hell is there an Earth day but there’s no Mars day? Well I’ll tell you why.
Sexism, that’s why. Reverse sexism, too. That’s the worst kind of sexism. If you take something and reverse it, it makes it worse. Don’t believe me? Try reverse doggy style. You’ll get a bunch of shit in your pussy. Sounds great if you’re a filthy hippie, but if you’re regular bathing folk like myself, you don’t want shit in your pussy and you don’t want to continue kowtowing to the feminist Earth-Nazis.
Mars is a superior planet to Earth. It’s red, which is not only a cool color for race cars but it also represents communism which I like. It’s covered in robots and best of all, no one lives there. If we moved to Mars we’d never have to hear a single complaint about gentrification or the negative effects of colonization. We could literally fuck up everything on the planet and no one would be able to say anything about it because there’s not a bunch of backwards savages living there.
Mars is named after the Roman god of war, which means the planet actually likes being destroyed. Bet you didn’t think planets had emotions, did you? Well, they don’t. But Mars especially doesn’t. It’s the powerful war planet for men that just has sex and lifts weights. Not like pussy Venus, so emotionally turbulent that it doesn’t even have a solid surface. Venus is a great place to shave your legs and bitch and moan about why your boyfriend left. That shit doesn’t fly on Mars. No, on Mars you disrespect females and watch sports.
So what if it doesn’t have water? Who needs water when you have beer? Mars doesn’t have beer, but we can bring beer to Mars. We can turn Mars into a giant fraternity house, where everyone gets a beer and everyone gets laid.
If you’re really about gender equality, you’ll think long and hard about why you care so much about Earth but you don’t give a shit about Mars. You’ll torch your stupid compost heap, shave your armpits, and realize the universe doesn’t revolve around Earth.