After patiently and anxiously waiting out Black History month like a hyperactive child on the last days of a school year, it’s finally my turn, as a white woman, to unwrap and express my thoroughly-overdue self-praise. Today is International Women’s Day, and as not only a woman but also a member of the international community (I’ve been to Canada), that means that today is basically my birthday. Except unlike a birthday, everyone has to celebrate – everyone in the world – not just the people in my office and my obnoxious son. On top of that, I’m not getting older.
Sure International Women’s Day isn’t just about me, but it’s partially about me, and if an opportunity presents itself for me to make something about myself, I’m going to go all out. It’s called keeping it 100, folks. And I fucking keep it 100. St. Patrick’s Day is in two weeks, and my surname is Irish, so you better believe I’m going to spend the entire day telling everyone how much harder we (meaning me specifically) had it than the blacks. I’m also going to get drunk. St Patrick’s Day is my Irish birthday, and International Women’s Day is my vagina birthday. So without further ado, let’s take a look at all the things that make me, an International Woman, the best.
I’m A Mom
Here’s something men can’t do: shit a baby through their pee hole. And before you cut me off and tell me that’s not where babies come from, I’ll have you know I that during my pregnancy I developed a uthretro-vaginal fistula, and while birthing my second son I actually managed to squeeze him out through my pee hole. Not only did it keep my vag extremely tight for immediate post-birth sex, it demonstrated (to the doctor I was trying to fuck) how incredibly dexterous my vagina actually is. Ever see someone tie a cherry stem into a knot with just their tongue? Imagine someone doing that with their genitals, and instead of a cherry stem, it’s an umbilical cord. Happy Women’s Day.
I’m A Teacher
They say those that can’t do, teach, and personally I think that’s a bunch of bullshit. Some of us can ‘do’ AND ‘teach.’ Those some of us are called International Women. Not only am I a professional writer, novelist, journalist, pundit, author, and blogger, I’m also a writing teacher. I teach writing to children who will never be as talented as me, and it makes me a hero.
I’m Sex Positive
In the old days (the 90s) there were three kinds of women: prudes, who abstained from sex; sluts, who had sex because they liked it, but limited the amount of sex they had because they didn’t want to be sluts, and then there were women like me. Women who had sex with as many men as possible, not even because they enjoyed it, but because they were trying to transcend the label of slut itself. Women who look at mountains of dick as if it were Everest. International Women, who knew that if they managed to fuck enough people, they could unite the entire world, and end oppression and prejudice once and for all. I’m one of those sex positive women, and I invented being sex positive.
I Stopped Doing Racism
I’ll admit, I used to be racist. Here and there, I still have racist thoughts and impulses. But I curb them. I shuffle them away and snuff them out like a final cigarette. In a way, being racist is a lot like smoking, or eating candy. Sure it feels really good, and it’s addictive, but it’s bad for you, and like chocolate, after a while it kind of makes you sick. As a white person, it’s incredibly easy for me to do and say racist things. But luckily, as a woman, I have an out that white men don’t. I’m also a victim of oppression, and that affords me a seat at the table. It means that through allyship and scolding people for behavior I myself once displayed, I can become a good person.
I’m Body Positive
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fat. But there’s things about my body that I’m not happy with, and I’ve learned to not only accept them, but take thousands of pictures of them and post them all over the internet. It’s called being body positive, and it’s something that I’m exceptionally good at. Body positivity is different than just getting over your deficiencies. It’s not about realizing that everyone has things they need to deal with, it’s about turning your detriments into fuel for your ego. It’s about not finding a happy medium in between self-loathing and narcissism, and instead fluctuating between the two erratically. It’s called going to extremes, and it’s what makes me an International Woman.