Guys, I’m a huge fan of music. It’s something that’s unique about me. I often tell people I meet (and am trying to fuck or impress) that if music didn’t exist, I would literally die. Music is literally my life. I love listening to it and that makes me special in a way. Literally no one else in the world identifies with music, it’s just me, and I’m the best at it. That’s why I love watching the Grammys. Because I like to see my stars, my musician favorites, get the big golden trophies. I like to know that my taste in music is supported and validated by tiny gold statues. The Grammys are good, and I’m excited to watch them.
But honestly, I’m a little disappointed. I’m really looking forward to watching the Grammys on Sunday, but I really can’t believe just how racist and sexist the Grammys are going to be this year. It’s unfathomable that in 2015, we have to put up with all the racist and sexist bullshit that will inevitably happen. I’ve already got all my NOPE gifs ready to go. I just hope I don’t get banned from Kinja again.
Granted, I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen yet, or how its going to happen, but I guarantee you it’ll be racist, and probably sexist too, and maybe even transphobic. I’m literally shaking with rage as I type this, and its messed up that I don’t even know who to be mad at yet. Honestly, that’s the first envelope they should open, in my opinion. The outrage envelope. The ceremony should start and they should bring out a little black envelope. The tension builds in the room. They slowly open it. And then they announce this years Bad Man. It’s fucked up that they make you wait until the very end of the awards before the think pieces come out and I know who to do justice at on Twitter. They only set it up that way so you watch all the commercials.
And what fucks things up even more is that you can’t change channels during the commercials anymore. That’s not to say that you couldn’t technically change the channel, but if I learned anything from the Super Bowl or from last year’s Golden Globes, its that commercials are not only entertaining these days, they’re also informative and they like to do social justice as much as I do. Imagine if you didn’t watch the commercials during the Super Bowl this year – you would probably think it’s okay and a good idea to beat women. Imagine if you missed the memo that all women are beautiful, sponsored by Dove soap. Imagine if Always, the tampon brand owned by Procter & Gamble (who’s Rely brand tampons hurt more women than any NFL player ever has), didn’t let us know that it’s messed up to use “girl” in a pejorative sense? You’d probably still hate women. Thank god for Procter & Gamble, If it weren’t for them, those brave souls of marketing who dared to speak out, we’d still be sexist. Shove that up your pussies, misogynists. Thank god Always brand was there to make me feel okay about supporting the NFL for a night, a company I spent the entire year furious at for tacitly endorsing spousal abuse.
Yeah, you’ve got to watch the commercials these days, it’s the only way to be a good person. In a way, it kind of balances out how racist and sexist the Grammys are going to be. Hopefully some company buys up advertising space and lets us know that they’re on our side as we watch our beloved award show and try to spot the injustices. That would be perfect, actually. I would love to cut to our first commercial break, and we see a McDonald’s restaurant. Inside, a transgendered, biracial family is feeding their gay infant a happy meal. Suddenly a white woman walks in and she’s talking like a black person. Then the manager of the store comes out (who is mentally disabled by the way) and he politely asks the woman to leave. The biracial family starts applauding. McDonald’s, fuck Iggy Azalea, I’m loving it.
Yeah, that would be great. Please do that, McDonalds! Please show me how to be good. Please make me feel okay about watching the sexist and racist Grammys once again.