The Eating Disorder No One Talks About, Because It Only Affects Men

Stop and close your eyes for a second. But like, also leave them open to read. Close them, but leave them open enough to read sort of. Find some functional medium between open and closed. Actually, I’m not sure what you should do with your eyes, but whatever you do, make sure it’s dramatic and readerly. Be pensive. Are you ready? Okay great.

When you hear the words, ‘Eating Disorder,’ what do you think? Who is it that you imagine in your head? Is it a young white woman, obviously very beautiful as it is, just desperate to make herself even more beautiful by throwing up or starving herself? Is it a girl that just needs to be told she’s perfect already, and while she’d look better if she lost maybe fifteen pounds or so, it’s not worth the damage she was doing to her body and mind by not enjoying the food that she wants? Well guess what? That mental image is true 95% of the time, but not true 100% of the time. What you’re doing is called a stereotype, and while stereotyping is an effective tool in the business or dating world, it’s messed up when you start doing it about things like sociology or gender. It’s messed up when you use stereotypes to hurt things like women.

The truth is, it’s not just almost-beautiful women that suffer from eating disorders. In fact, a lot of men have an eating disorder. Most do actually. I’m talking about the disorder of not knowing how to eat pussy.

Now hear me out. Don’t go running for the hills thinking this is another classic Nicole Mullen goof ’em up. I’m trying to be serious here for a minute. In todays gender crazy world, we need to have a serious discussion about why so many men are either bad at eating pussy or they just refuse to do it at all. Doesn’t that bother anyone else? Doesn’t anyone stop and think, gee, why are we letting men get away with this?

And make no mistake: the vast majority of men are quite terrible at eating pussy. Sometimes it makes me wonder if any of them could even seal an envelope with their dry, limp, and scared tongues, hanging sheepishly through their pursed lips like the stolen nose of a baby, wedged in between the fingers of an arthritic uncle. They either look like they’re trying to clean a messy spot off a child’s cheek, or they’re holding back their revulsion, like a dog doing that thing where it tries to eat its vomit before all of it has even left its mouth.

We need to educate young men, let them know it’s okay to eat pussy. Get in there, in the schools, get in those sex ed classrooms, let them know that they have a responsibility to their sexual partners to be good at eating pussy. It’s not acceptable that we live in 2015 (the future, people) and young boys aren’t being taught to eat pussy properly.

The thing is, a lot of people create this false equivalency between eating pussy and sucking dick, and that’s just complete nonsense. You see, blow jobs are incredibly sexist (unless they’re gay blow jobs) whereas pussy eating is a matter of near-necessity. When you fuck a woman’s mouth, you’re saying, hey, you’re thoughts and words are as worthless as your stupid pussy. But guys, women’s pussies aren’t stupid, and neither are their mouths.

Demanding pussy eating from men is much different than demanding blowjobs from women. Men always cum during sex, it’s not fair that a woman needs an additional type of sex (oral) to cum, and that men are unwilling to perform it. But that’s sort of the hidden benefit of deconstructing gender. We’re learning that men, like women, aren’t responsible for their actions (besides rape). The only reason men don’t like eating pussy is because they were trained to not like eating pussy. Look at how many men these days pretend like they like to eat asshole just because Drake said it was cool. I guarantee you half of those guys would have called someone gay for eating asshole three years ago. Now everyone wants to eat ass. This is science.

So men, just sit down your boys – hell, they don’t even have to be your boys. Any boys will do. Just go find some boys, sit them down, and let them know that it’s “cool” and “brave” to eat a woman’s pussy. Explain to them how it works. Show them the moves.

Explain it to your sons. Let the know that the pussy is sort of like a sandwich, it’s just sideways, or sometimes if the woman is a whore, served open face. Think of the clit like a little pimento olive that’s been speared with a toothpick. It sits at the top of the sandwich underneath a little piece of beet-juice soaked ginger. The goal is to pit that olive without biting it, using just your tongue, by lifting up the ginger slices and sucking the middle part. Then you spit the pit back into the middle of the sandwich, and then you fingerblast the sandwich, trying to hit the swollen part at the top of the inside of the sandwich, doing it for long enough and at the right tempo so the sandwich pisses in your mouth. It’s really not that complicated. Is it asking too much to explain this to boys? To just teach them how to eat pussy sandwiches?

Look, I’m a teacher. I could teach that class. I’ll teach the fuck out of it. But this isn’t about me, and it’s not about women either. It’s men’s job to teach other men to eat pussy properly, and to do it in a way where women have complete oversight. Let’s fix the world. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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