This week Ashley Graham became the fattest woman to appear in Sports Illustrated in a bathing suit, and while many are applauding this decision by Sports Illustrated and congratulating Ashley for her bravery and confidence, it seems few are grasping how momentous this occasion really is. This is a much bigger deal than any other publication using a plus sized model – the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is where beauty standards, at least in America, find their roots. This is a huge deal. A big fat huge deal.
You see, the SI Swimsuit Issue, published since 1964, is in many ways the preeminent theater of masturbation. It’s like the World Series of jacking off, or the Meet The Press of tossing rope. Because of its relatively PG-13 content, in the years before the internet the SI swimsuit issue was the first thing most teenage boys ever had as jacking off material, and for that reason, it holds a sacred place in the hearts and pants of the American consciousness. The SI swimsuit edition is to masturbating what apple pie is to eating or what jazz is to listening – it’s iconic, historic, and distinctly American.
That’s why Ashley Graham’s inclusion in the most recent Sports Illustrated is a triumphant step for big women, crashing down like an elephant’s foot on the tiny mouse-like vestiges of the rodential patriarchy. Demanding sexual attention and asserting herself like a bikinied hippo, Ashley blares her trunk horn like an enormous rape whistle, and men’s pathetic expectations of naked women shatter into a million pieces, scurrying into the shadows, as they search for a safe place to masturbate to the thin women of yore. All across the US right now, young boys are tugging at their dicks over Ashley’s larger-than-typical body, ejaculating with the immediate trembling vigor of nascent masculinity, and cementing a lifelong love of big women. Because of Ashley’s work today, in 10 years chubby chasing won’t be a fetish – it’ll be the norm. Sorry thin girls, the end of your time is nigh.
Soon enough, you’ll have to scour the pages of the dark net, looking for highly illegal photos of thigh gaps. Non-large women will become disgusting hidden fetishes, like feet stuff or that Simpsons porn that seems like it’s all written by a Russian who learned English off an owner’s manual for a clock radio. In ten years, if you’re a man that is into women who aren’t morbidly obese, you’ll be shamed by your bropatriots – mocked and ridiculed until you’re no longer allowed to do sports or even pushups. And it will be good, feminism will have finally won. We’ll have true equality.
Yes for too long we’ve reinforced the idea that only thin women should be jacked off to by young men or the incarcerated or vacationers without internet. For far too long, men have dictated the terms in which their own masturbation happens. No more, we say. No more says Ashley and Sports Illustrated. We’ve arrived. We’ve came.